Blogger bye bye?

This may be the last blogger post i ever make.  

You see, i've stumbled across Tumblr, and it seems much more friendly, and everything outside of text posts has been made so much easier.  I'm sad that i can't transfer all the stuff on here onto there, so i'm not sure if i'll stay there...but i think i probably will.  Is more like a community there.  So come join me. 

www.amysian.tumblr.com 

Lots of invites!

I've just got in from part one of wedding invite making for Phil and Alex.  It was a big factory-stylee production line.  Good stuff, but am now cross-eyed from the focusing on the tiny things for the long time.  

I feel so privileged to be part of the whole process.  I know i've said it before. 

But, i've had an 18hr day today, and am tired.  And my tomorrow morning is free.  So tomorrow i get a lie-in.  THAT is a lovely thought.  

Goodnight. x

Sitting

I need to leave in 15 mins for work.

My hair is wet and my face is un-moisturised/made up. 

But still, i just want to sit. On my bed.  Cross legged.  It feels so good. 

(The legs are less painful today, thank Jesus!!)

But i must move.  Otherwise i'll be late.  

I could so fall back to sleep right now!

Waddle

...the pain has lead to me developing a waddle when i walk.  I have been laughed at by 'friends and family'.  

Today has been a very full day.  Up at 5:30, realistically bed by 11, then i'm up at 5:30 again probably - need to wash hair etc before a 7:15 start at work.  But then i'll get home around 3:30 and have an hours nap i think.  

Watch me not, but atm, i think i will. 

Oooh, and it's face mask day too - will have one of those after my nap to freshen up.  

Pain.

Seriously...it HURTS to go up/down stairs, to generally walk, to drive...i've really hurt my legs playing laser quest!  To top it off, i slept funny so my shoulders and neck are aching too!  

And i've got Kids Club to run tonight with all the dancing and energy expressing that involves!

Eesh!

Haha.  It's quite funny, when it doesn't hurt... 

I didn't go.

Am aiming for bed at 9.  

I think it's important.  

Man, my legs ache from laser quest squatting!  

Dreading getting up the stairs!

Community group or no community group...

...i don't know what to do.  

I'm so very tired, but so value community group, and i don't know what to do.  

I've got an early start tomorrow, and friday.  

And tomorrow is going to be draining with kids club.  

But it will be nice to see everyone.  

But i don't know if i would be able to concentrate. 

But i do want to see what Dutch Sheets has to say about prayer next. 

I am in no state to be making decisions, i feel. 

Post trip

aches. 

After Go Carting i found myself with quite a few bruises, like one on my lower spine, and one on my shoulder blade, and one on the inside of both knees, lol.

After laser quest my wrists, legs, back, arms, ankles...they're all aching.  Not so good.  But totally worth it. 

Still shattered.  Ugh!

Laser Queen

...that is me!

Today i went up against 8 16-18yr olds and Andy and beat them ALL at laser quest.  

TWICE.  

Four of the young people were 17-18yr old boys. 

I am so very proud.  

And had so much fun.  

But am now super dead.  

Especially after go-carting yesterday (is the end of V Project our alt ed course, so doing some celebratory things with them.)  

So super dead.  

Is definitely a work out.  

I'd totally do that again!  SO much FUN!

Alright? Alright.

I'm thinking that maybe, when i greet people, i do it too quietly.  You know, people on the street/neighbours etc?  It's happened quite a few times; i'll say 'hey, how are you?' and they'll say 'alright' and then seem to wait for a response...so i say 'yeah, i'm good thanks', while secretly feeling quite confused by the whole scenario.  Is it 'alright!' or 'alright?'?!

Card Creating...

...leaves my house looking like this. 

Card inspiration...

I've taken up making birthday cards.  Not really sure how it happened...but i've got a big box full of stuff now - lol.  

Got to make three tonight.  One's down, two to go.  

I like the idea of personalising them - they need to reflect a bit of the person they've been created for.  And i'm stuck on card no 2.  It's the perfectionist in me.  Lol. 

Happy Birthday WHC...

...from the wonderful Dan.  Whoo.  Should sort me for the rest of the year...

Look how pretty!

The morning after...

...i woke up at 8:30am.  What's with that?! So i made community breakfast, which was lovely as ever.  Got back, and the boys are STILL asleep - dear-y-me.  

...very good times :)

Birthday Saturday

Today was pretty close to perfect.  

We (Dan, Dean and I) left soon after 9 for Cardiff, went to the castle, did a bit of shopping - seriously, Westworld is my new favorite shop!! Then we ate, and then found Cardiff Bay where we strolled and ate ice cream.  And at 4 we headed back to the car and came home.  

7:30 my wonderful Dad came and picked us up and took us to Broad St, where we walked over to the Handmade Burger Co, ate with a bunch of wonderful friends (i truly am so blessed in that department), then headed over to the Yardbird, where we grooved away.  Sadly, our energy levels wern't that high, so had to bail earlier than we'd have liked, but it's all good, and i have NO regrets :)  

I seriously recommend making a day of your birthday.  

Good times. 

Freakin Tom Tom!!

My DAYS i'm about to SCREAM!! 

This is my THIRD tom tom and it's giving me grief AGAIN.  

IF it continues to do so i WILL replace it because i am ABSOLUTELY FED UP!

AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Mumford and Sons

Here's a bit of honesty; i'm actually really rubbish at the whole music scene thing.  I LOVE music, and have quite a wide range of tastes, but i generally have to rely on my friends/young people to introduce me to stuff.  

Sarah Frost is a good introducer.  She has recently been engaging me with the wonder of Mumford and Sons, and so when my Thursday evening became free i got myself a ticket to go with her and some other fun people to see them.  They are folk music.  I can now say that i love a folk band. 

Here they are:

...and here is my new crush - he smiled, and won my heart...

Dear weather...

...i don't mind it when you're hot, warm or cold.  I don't mind it when you're dry or wet.  I don't mind it when you're sunny or snowing.  In fact, i love it then.  But please, please, please, will you stop being so dull!!

6:35

...i woke up with a start.  An hour earlier, my alarm should have woken me up for morning prayer...but it didn't.  I have no memory of it.  So, either, something weird happened and it didn't go off, or i switched it off in my sleep.

This happened once before...i think in my tiredness my subconscious decided that sleep needed to have priority.  

I need to set two alarms for early morning things. 

Good morning!

Forgetting

...i'm very good at it.  Yup.  And then remembering at the wrong time/too late.  

So tired...

I'm really tired.  Really really.  And i'm thinking about how tonight is a meeting until 10, then i'm up at 5:30 Thursday, then i'm out at a gig in Wolves that means i'll be back late, then Friday i'm doing a late shift, then atm on Saturday we're supposedly leaving here at 7:45 and continuing until Sunday morning...and i'm not sure if i can cope.

And i'm still really sad about the whole beach situation.  And concerned about how late we're eating/getting to the yardbird.

I'm re-thinking...

...the beach.  I want to see the sea and the waves so much, but to drive a total of 5 hours to spend at the most 5 hours there, when the forecasts says rain...it seems a bit silly.  

So i need a new adventure, but they all involve being outside.  And outside = rain. 

So i'm a bit sad. And worried.

Man, 23 years!

That's a lot.  It's weird to think that i'm that age.  I still feel like a teenager.  I don't like how my young people are now surprised when i listen to 'cool' music.  I love sharing my life with loads of people and visiting different friends and being spontaneous and not tied down. 

My last year has been quite cool.  

My break up with Nath was something i was still dealing with at the start, which sucked, but i survived, and grew as a result.  I got a 2-1 at Uni and a 1st in my disser-flippin-tation, man, i survived uni!!  I passed my driving test, got my first car, experienced a spa for the first time, saw the wonders that Rome held,  I can now climb...quite well.  

I've started to see a light at the end of the tunnel that was the isolation i felt from God.  I've learnt so much about me.  I get me more, who i am, what i want, and what i need.  I have a new found confidence in myself, security in who i am.  I got closer to some lovely people who i never want to lose in my life, and tried to figure out what close relationships looked like in new environments. 

So.  I'm going to stop thinking about where i should be at.  How a 23yr old should be.  What a 23yr old should have accomplished.  Whatever.  No more.  I am who i am, and i'm looking forward to growing more and what my next year might contain - ooooh!!

Watch this space :) x

23

...eugh.  Birthdays are not what they used to be.  Today's going to be weird.  I'm spending the day at work, and have nothing organised for this evening.

I'm not really where i thought i'd be in life either.  You know, when you're younger and plan out what's going to happen in what year of your life?  I expected to be married.  Part of me is glad i'm not.  But i'd be lying if i said i didn't want that to begin to happen in the next few years of my life.  I'm petrified that i might never get married.  Not because i don't like being alone, although that is sometimes true, other times i treasure it.  I just want to be able to share life with someone.  But then i love the freedom that singleness brings.  Is odd being this age.  

Is crazy another year has gone - i'm so thankful for my health and wellbeing over this last year, God has been good.  I'm intrigued as to what my next year is going to be like...hmmm...

Emailing photos

It's taken me hours to email photos for work.  It's taken over my whole evening.  I'm tired and stressed and still have stuff to do. I'm not impressed.  And i don't know when i get my Deany back.  And i've still not finalised thoughts for my birthday. Grah. 

Not one came

...7 young people are enrolled on an alternative education course looking to support them in moving into employment/training and developing their personal skills.  It's something tailored around them, and there purely for them.  And not one turned up today. 

Sometimes i feel like i care more about their futures and lives than they do.

And it's possibly the most frustrating thing ever.  

Face mask

So.  Some mornings are ridiculously rushed and i'm late for work and it's all pete tong.  Other mornings, like this morning, i give myself the same amount of time and manage to fit in a face mask and chance to blog! How the flip does that jolly work?!  

Just remembered that i watched 'He's Just Not That Into You' yesterday - that was the 'cinema' bit.  Quite a good film.  Could be depressing, but i thought it was also refreshing: sometimes, he's just not that into you.  Cause us girls definitely overanalyse things. 

I'm thinking...

Colwyn bay (although it doesn't have big rocks...nowhere does unless you add an extra 15mins to the journey), and so there won't be crashing waves :(

Handmade Burger Co...although i went there for my last bday...

Yard Bird (£5.50 pre-booked entry)

Risa (maybe...if i fancy some R&B...because it's close)

Sound good? 

I'm really struggling to make decisions without my Deany to bounce ideas off. 

Baaaad good weekend

Let me explain...

I've loved my weekend.  I've already commented on my yesterday, and my today was church-meal-film-Sarahs-church-white hot chocolate.  All good :)  BUT...i've still not decided on my birthday activities.  Or made birthday cards for a gazillion people.  Or bought presents for a similar amount, including my nan! Or cleaned the house at all this weekend.

I'm still trying to figure which beach is best, and which club to go to - the dilemma there being that a friend is having a gathering at Oceana...but i'm feeling the Yard Bird vibe.  Maybe with some Risa after midnight or something.  I dunno.   And where to eat kinda depends on that decision.  And i know i'm not going to have much time to plan other than now, which is why i'm still up at 10:15 after the hectic weekend that was.  

Church today was the next in the series on relationships.  Basic gist of it was honour and respect everyone.  Men, flippin pursue women - don't just sit back and hope that something happens (amen to that), and women - allow them to pursue you...because that's what they want!! (erm...ok then...)  So yeah.  This is affirmation of my previous reflection (i think it was here i reflected it...) of me not making any sort of moves on a guy.   I might hint that i like him, but i will not make any moves/start any conversations/anything.  If you want me, then pursue me.  :)  i like that idea. 

And i'm thinking of Prestatyn or Rhyl for the beaches...gonna check the bbc weather forecast and read into the areas a bit more.  They're right next door to each other, so could always move on if we got bored...  

Happy Valentines Day...

This view made me laugh a lot.  Very not pc.  

I've had a lovely day, actually.  

I did two cupcake deliveries with Sarah and had a drink in the Vic with her and Alex who manages the bar.  

I went straight from there to meet up with Cheryl and Anika - two lovelies from Uni.  

Once they'd both left i went to pick up Zoe my love from work, we had "coffee" and stared at shoes we can't afford, and i met her crazy friends who went to london for lunch.

Straight from there i went and met up with four of the most eligible bachelorettes i know for drinks in Brindley Place.  We laughed and had a very good time.  

Rage

Today, a big lad young person shoved a smaller girl young person, and she flew and hit the wall and floor.  She was hurt and upset.  But more than that, she was angry.  I guess threatened and embarrassed.  She shook.  Tears of rage fell down her face.  Her hands searched for anything weapon like as her eyes were locked ahead of her.  It was scary.  

I got her away eventually, and then she went to go after him.  "Let him finish the job".  I said no way, i care about you too much and don't want to see you get hurt.  She said she didn't care so i shouldn't.  She said she enjoys pain anyway, and watch, when he beats me up there'll be no stopping my mates.  They'll beat him up then.  There were still tears.  Only now they were in my eyes too.  Only for me it wasn't rage.  It was what i saw in her.

So broken.  So vulnerable.  So hurt.  

So, so broken.  

It made me want to foster kids. 

Last night

one of the doors in my house opened.  I was in bed, and heard it.  It sounded a lot like the spare room so jumped out of bed and eventually plucked up the courage to see who it was.  It was no-one.  But i knew what i heard.  

I ended up barricading myself into my room. 

Then, after 2:00am i got a withheld call with some very strange sounds coming from the other end of it.  It sounded like a girl.  It sounded scary.  I didn't like it.  Then they hung up.  I was awake.

This morning i snoozed for an hour.  That was NOT supposed to happen.  And i'm unsure about whether work starts at 11:45 or 12:15.  And i need to go tell halfords to give me a new satnav.  And i feel like it should be bedtime.  And i've got a headache. 

But the sun is shining and the sky is blue. :)

When the driver is a she...

is a very funny youtube clip.  Cheeky, but funny.  

Today i saw pictures of my ex ex boyfriend online.  Have often wondered if he was still alive and ok, and it seems that the answer is yes.  And he's still married to the girl he cheated on me with, lol.  Not funny at the time...but i was 16/17, and over it by the end of the week.  I'm glad that he seems happy.  

But a tiny bit of me felt jealous.  I've recently discovered that I kinda feel that when i see guys and girls hook up.  Is so self centred. I hate it.  But it's true.  Even with my good male friends that i see begin to make other girls happy.  Under NO circumstances does it mean that i'd want to be with them, i've felt it over my ex and his current which proves that!  And OF COURSE i'm over the moon for these lovely guys who find lovely ladies...but there's that bit of me that says 'what about me?' In a silly 'i want someone to want me and to want them back' kind of way. 

Steve Hirst

is coming back from Ghana on March 31st.  

I am excited.  

He is one of the very specials in my life.  

He's around for a whole month, and then before the year is out i'm going to visit him in Ghana. 

I'm very, very excited.

Sweets

There are a lot of sweets in the office.  They look very lovely.  The bottom one is 5kgs.  They are for the kids.  I'm not allowed them.  That's probably a good thing.  

They win

...the celebrations that is.  

I bought them for someone for Christmas and then didn't see them.  And they've been sitting in my living room ever since.  Seriously.  Well over a month.  Wrapped and unopened.

And now they're open. And entering my body at a steady rate.  And it feeeeeeeeeels gooood!

Other news - they just kissed on tv.  A nice kiss.  A gorgeously tummy turning kiss.  I'd like one of those please.  Thing is...they're only gorgeously tummy turning when they mean something. 

Frustration

Rah - man, i'm feeling tense and frustrated. 

I love work.  And because of that, sometimes i end up feeling tense and frustrated.  But it's worth it to have a job i love. 

But maaan, frustrated.  

Wee wee

I wee.  I go to bed.  10 mins later...i need to wee.  Only i don't really.  What is with that?!

Other news...i have some top friends who really do make my days happy and worth it, just by being a part of them.

I'm staring to feel like i need to wee again!! Is totally psychological, it has to be.  Boo hisss...

Scrubs

is good.  Innit.  C'mon and agree.  Brings many laughs to my 30mins of viewing.  I just wish they never did the sad endings. 

Slushy mess

...nuff said. :(

Snow

Ok.  So first up; i know that as soon as any snow falls the whole country goes snow-crazy.  I know that this can get repetitive and boring.

BUT

There's something so mesmerizing about it all.  I wish i could capture what i see when i look at a street light and the snow is falling heavy all around it.  I hate it when it's wet and snowy, but this is starting to stick, if it keeps on all night, it'll be thick and gorgeous by the morning.  I think i deserve it.  Earlier i home visited in dagger-like rain conditions...it was painfully cold.  Thick and gorgeous snow would definitely make up for it.

I really want it to be thick and gorgeous by the morning.

B-e-a-utiful.  Already. 

Porky pigs

Lovely Sarah got me some more.  I let myself have a few after home visiting tonight.  They're yum.  They're NOT Percy Pigs.  

Little things like that make me feel loved the most.

It didn't

snow.  I just checked.  Is flippin' freezin' though!

Sleep

...i've not had enough of it.  

I shared a room Saturday with someone who breathed in heavily (not an issue), but then made a 'slapping' noise with her tongue...quite a lot like the sound a baby makes when it's drinking from a bottle.  It was pretty much constant.  I ended up sleeping with my head under a pillow, praying that i wasn't about to suffocate myself.

Hello

Saturday i went to bed at 1:30, got up at 6:15, left at 7:30, and was awake for 20ish hours.

I met Jen's bridesmaids...and get on with them all just fine.  Good times.

I tried on two wedding dresses.  Was part of my duty as maid of honour so that Jen could see the back detail properly.  It now feels slightly like i've started something i can't finish.

I used up as much petrol going around Manchester on Saturday as i did driving to Manchester from Birmingham.  That's quite a lot.

I missed blogging on more than one occasion. 

I drove all the way home with my boot open.  Thankfully, i still have all my stuff...i think...

I went to church, and the service was on relationships, and how in our culture too much pressure is put on 'dating', and that we should date more without the whole 'i'm dating you therefore i'm marrying you' thing.  I agree, in as much as i think that you need to be able to spend time with someone getting to know them and not stress about whether you'll marry them...but at the same time i don't think it's ok to be doing that if you're not up for that relationship possibly ending in marriage at some point.  Something in it didn't sit right.  But that could be just because it goes against my culture.

I drove back from Church wondering when i'll have a special someone in my life.  I'd like to get to know someone better with the view to maybe 'go steady'...even though it petrifies me at the same time.

I got home to find my new washing machine fixed, and a cupboard put where my old one was.  I think it was my daddy, but he's not text back.  HA - and as i wrote that, he text me.  It was him.  But it has a leak.  My dad is the best in the world.

I was cold, so got a hot water bottle.  I can't remember when i last did that. 

I now need to sleeep...and secretly really really want it to snow overnight so that there's 20inches of the stuff when i wake up.

...so there you go!

Hair cut

I got my hair cut.  Isn't much shorter.  Parting's changed. 

 

Makes me look different.  Maybe more like my mum.  

Not sure if i like it yet.  Isn't styled how i'd style it.  Don't have time to play now.  Is time for work.  Boo.

Lie-in

I slept in till 9.  Woke up around 7, 7:30, 8, but i went back to sleep again.  Until 9.  And it feels GREAT!  After the early start and lateish finish yesterday, exactly what i needed. 

Only bad thing is i dreamt about some odd spider-bug thing...so now i've got the 'ugly bug' feeling - like i've seen one/am about to see one.

Good morning world :)

Odd

I feel odd. 

Work felt odd.  Having to work felt odd.  Kids Small Group WAS odd.  

Everything feels odd.  Everything. 

I don't think i like it.

5:40am snow

This morning, as i left for prayer, there was a lot of snow falling.  Little little bits, but lots of it.  And it was BEAUTIFUL!!

What made it even more beautiful was that no-one had trodden in it yet, anywhere near my house, and only two cars had driven in it, so there was no darkness on the floor or road, it was all white.  Even when i got to the main roads, i couldn't see the road for the snow.  Slid around a bit as a result, but kept very calm and slow and sort-of in control :)

There's something really enchanting about untouched snow.  I was sad, when i left the prayer room, to see that the roads were visible and the snow on them was all brown.  Is still pretty and white on my road though...just hope no-one drives into my car!!

Prayer

I've often nearly blogged on my thoughts surrounding prayer, but never got around to it.  

Now we're looking at prayer in my cell/home group/missional community.  I'm not gonna tell you about it now...because i'm doing the stuff at 6am tomorrow...but something's just clicked into place in my, well, i don't know really...in me. 

Watch This Space. 

I love

dancing around my house to my ipod.

And our newly kitted out van for detached...i'd post a pic, but it's got a young person on it.  But seriously, it's AMAZING!! I've done many a jig in excitement over it :)

American Idol

...how many contestants do the judges actually see?  

There must be so many mediocre singers.  And then so many rubbish singers.  (And i do get that they're screened first).  But seriously, they must get frustrated.

They're paid enough to get frustrated though.  I don't pity them.  Just a thought.

Cough cough

...in the morning.  I have a horrible cough that is so strong i half-wretch and feel like it might make me sick...but it only happens in the morning i think.  I can't remember coughing like that at work.

Strange.

Today...

Today i've not blogged.  But i wanted to.  But i've not had the time.  I had something to say, but i've forgotten it.  Here are some other things...even though that one thing is going to annoy me for quite a while...

• I'm down to my last Porky Pig, and i can't bring myself to eat it. 
  
• I figured i've got enough holiday to book time to go to Momentum, Greenbelt, Ghana, and a girls holiday.  Bring it on!! Now all i need to do is figure how the flip i'm gonna afford it...
  
• White hot chocolate is still out of stock online...i'm scared and need to get to Nottingham...or...could just ask Dan for a favour...that'd be a sensible option - duh!
  
• I truly love the way the snow glistens.
  
• I went to Tesco just so i could get myself some milk for a white hot chocolate. 
• This week i've upped my time at UDB to 4 days instead of the 3 i was doing, and will continue doing that probably forever.  Or until i go full time.
• I think i get 'it' a lot more now. 
• Crushes are silly and fun and silly.
• Young people can be both completely predictable, but then totally, absolutely unpredictable.
• Electricians take too long.
• There are most definitely NOT enough hours in the day. 
• Full time youth work is intense stuff.
• Self reflection is hard.  
• I don't know what to do with my hair.
• I still can't remember what i wanted to blog earlier. 

Deaaaad...

I put it on the window ledge, so it could get some sun...and now it looks like this.  I just can't win when it comes to plants :(

Icicles

I drove all the way home in first gear.  Ha.  And still skidded a bit.  Ooh.  But it's all good.  And i have icicles on my car!!

Snow

Today it's supposed to snow throughout.  I love snow.  It's so pretty, i get all excited.  

I don't love what it does to the roads though.  That's going to be especially true tomorrow/wednesday when we're gonna have sleet.  Slippery road time!!  Uh-oh...

I'd love to have a work-from-home day today.  That'd be nice and cozy.  I could sit up here on my bed all day and work :) And go for a walk in the park for my lunch break :)

In other news...I dreamt about a boy yesterday.  One of those 'real' dreams.  And now i keep on feeling like there's a boy.  Haha.  If there was a boy i'd go to the park in the snow with him.  

Hair cut

I'm getting it done on Friday.  Don't know what.  Will probably be just the same again.  I'm bored of that though.  But nothing else is inspiring me.  

I just like big/wavy/messy/choppy hair. 

Maybe i should just say that to her.  

But i don't want one of those styles where there are random bits longer than all the others.  That is not me. I could throw in that little clause...

Hmm...i'm gonna end up with the same again. 

There's nothing quite like a...

...Mc Donalds.  

No, i'm not joking.  Sometimes, it's exactly what i want, and i'm not ashamed to say it.  Today, just, right now, is one of those times.  Double cheesburger with a strawberry shake.  Katie and Sarah were talking about it after church today, and i was like 'yes, that has to happen'.  

I think it's only fair, as i was cheated out of my McD's Breakfast last week by time (blogged earlier under 'the clock stopped' i think).

February

Flippin what?!  How's that? 

In some ways, New Years feels like a lifetime away.  In other ways, i can't believe that January has already gone.  

I'm frustrated i've still got this ugly, heavy, ghost-like sadness, it's been nearly a month now.  Feels like so much longer.  Ghost-like because it has no reason to still be around.  It doesn't consume me, but it's there.  And definitely confuzzles me.  

But man, February...life's gonna fly by.  And i'm 23 in 16 days.  That's gonna be a fun Saturday :)

Jelly soap

I got some jelly soap for Christmas from lovely Dan, and it's very fun.  I don't use it if i'm in a rush though.  Smells purdy too :)

Home now

So...Lee wasn't DJing.  Isn't really the kind of music i'd dance to normally, snap with Dean and Robyn, so we left soon after 10 and headed up to Risa, where we danced/laughed/chatted the night away.  Good times.  

On a slightly more serious note, my chest is hurting and feeling a bit tight...not sure what it is...but it's put a bit of a poop on the night for me, and is gonna make sleeping harder :(  but then, it's 3am so i think sleeping's not really gonna be much of an issue!!

Tonight...

I'm going out.  Lee's djing.  Whoop-de-whoop! 

BUT...it's flippin freezing.  

Hmmm...

Momentum and Greenbelt

...i'm considering doing them both. 

Would that be completely insane?!

I just like the idea of filling my time with fun stuff, and saying 'why not?' to things more often.  I'm young, single, and not paying off a mortgage...i should surely take as much advantage of these things when i can...?

Emotions

How is it that i can be happy as anything one moment, and then the next be as opposite as you can get?  What is that about?  

How is it that something i feel fine about at one point, can suddenly make me feel completely horrible?  Am i in denial when it's fine, or wallowing when it's horrible?

And can i get to a state where i'm happy and fine without the switching happening?

I'm really hoping that this is hormonal. 

One storey

I like the idea of living on one floor.  Of swanning around listening to my music and having the floor all floorboards with rugs in the different rooms, carpet in my bedroom, openish plan...

i think i watch too many American shows and films. 

I want a dog

But i really don't at the same time.  

Good job, as i rent.  

But seriously though.  

I want a dog.  

I miss my gerbil.  

I'd love another...only i'd prefer a pet that runs around my house.  Even though i totally loved my gerbil.

I can't have a dog.  

Gorgeous!

Man alive...i took a young person to Bham library today, and there were some gorgeous men there.  And now they're on my tv too.  Gorgeous men.  

But i'll bet you anything they're not christian.  

Or have some serious issues.  

Or both. 

Running low...

...of my porky pigs.  I need to find some more.  Asda Walmart has them i think, that's where i got them from before.  

Worryingly...Whittards in Birmingham has closed, and the website is sold out of white hot chocolate.  I'm seriously considering visiting the one in Nottingham and stocking up.  Look:

...uh-oh...

Early shift

Maaaan...it's early.  I've been up for 1hr15mins, and all i want to do is curl up in my bed.  Think i'll do that when i get home for an hour or so.  

Early shifts SHOULD mean that i only see young people for 45 mins tops...but i've not yet been at job no 2 when everyone's gone to school.  Is shocking.  And there's nothing you can do about it.  

If they don't go, they have to get in-house education, which is a laugh in itself, and they definitely don't want to engage with that!  So you end up being annoying to them for the day, trying to get them to do some work.

So fingers crossed they'll all be at school. 

Joshua

My brother is a legend.  

When he's himself, and not worried about what people think of him, he's the funniest guy i know.  And he's smart, and generous, and loving, and thoughtful...and i love him.  He's one of my favourite people and i'd do just about anything for him.

I just wish he knew how great he is...in a non-big-headed kind of way. 

The clock stopped

It told me it was 8:35 and then the church clock chimed which tells me that it's actually 9:00.  

So i went, this morning, from being early to being late.  

No breakfast for me. 

It's thrown my whole day off. 

It's just not big enough

My bag, that is.  It can only just close.  I had to get a new bag because my other one was hurting my back it was so heavy; new bag has a long strap so the weight can be spread across me a bit more.  

Essentials are in there;

• phone
  
• keys
  
• ipod
  
• purse
  
• diary
  
• playing cards
  
• bank/club cards
  
• chewing gum
  
• toiletry bag consisting of plasters, drugs, deodorant (a little one), soap, wet wipes
  
• bible
  

I would like to add to that list;

• water bottle
  
• prayer journal
  
• pens for prayer journal
  
• scarf
  
• hat
  
• sweeties
  
• tomtom (which i can just about fit in there if i absolutely have to)
  

Ho-hum.

Breakfast

In the morning, i normally can't stomach the thought of toast or cereal for breakfast, the thought of it makes me gag...but then often a Sausage and Egg McMuffin is very appealing.  

I drove past this morning and didn't get one.  Hurrah for me.  But i will drive past again in a bit and don't know if i can manage to not get one a second time around.  

Oh dear.

6am prayer

I like it.  

I don't like it at 5:30 when my alarm goes off.  At that point i wish it was Saturday.  But then, once i'm in my car on my way...i like it.  

25 random things about me + 3

I did this on Facebook today, and quite enjoyed it! So thought i'd store it here...i don't really get the 'notes' part of facebook so will loose it if i don't! Have added an extra few on the bottom, and am sure that i'll add more as life goes on :)

1 - I can be both very indecisive and a little too decisive...only not at the same time
2 - I've always walked on my tiptoes, and have the calves to prove it
3 - I love staring at the stars when i'm away from street lights
4 - My legs and fingers bend in unusual ways
5 -I love the idea of romance and being romanced
6 -Which reminds me of when i was about 5 and a little boy at a wedding got his mum to go home and get a ring so that he could give it to me...i don't have a clue who he was, but still have the ring :)
7 - The sea is a necessity in my life - i have cravings for it
8 - I want to explore the world, especially America
9 - I've still got my first ever cuddly toy; Ellie
10 - I've re-discovered the joy of blogging
11 - I regret being swayed on the colour of my room by those who were present at the time of purchasing it
12 - I love love love photos - they're memories you can store forever
13 - I wish i could dance better, and had the time for lessons. In another life i'd want to be a dancer professionally - it makes me feel alive
14 - Me and cotton wool/loose woollen clothing/laces do not get on. Don't go there. I will lash out in defense
15 - I always want a new pair of heeled shoes
16 - I almost always feel too tall when i wear them (yay for taller guys!!)
17 - I wish i baked more
18 - I wish i climbed more
19 - Words can not express how much i value my amazing friends
20 - I'm privileged enough to be a Bridesmaid for Phil and Alex AND the Maid of Honour for Jen and Lea - still completely bowled over by the fact that they've both picked me
21 - I feel most loved when someone wants to spend time with me 'just because' 
22 - I've never been bought flowers by a boy
23 - I love random adventures and road trips with friends
24 - Getting post from a friend will always make my day
25 – My life is enhanced beautifully by food and all it's wonderful varieties

26 - I really like driving fast, but think it's wrong to not keep to the speed limit

27 - When Dean's not coming home i'll often dance around the house to songs on my ipod

28 - I'm one of those drivers who go past singing their heart out as if no-one can see them.  Even if i'm at the traffic lights.

So there you go! Learn anything new?!

Scary

...i'm scared of who some of the young people i work with are going to turn into.  Of how their lives are going to be so mediocre/joy less/hope less.  

It makes me so sad to see them trapped into ways of thinking and being.  

It's like they can't be bothered to achieve/make something of themselves/dream/try.

What's the difference between them and the others, who are trying/dreaming/aiming to achieve?

Is there ANYTHING that can be done to change their direction?

Workworkworkwork...

Is seriously what life feels like atm.  

I was pretty much working 9am-9:30pm today (with a dinner break between 6 and 7:15), and then am at other job at 7:15am tomorrow.  Monday was 9am-6:30pm, 7:45-11pm.  

Tomorrow i should go to two community things; one from 6-8, and another from 8-late, but then i'm praying 6am-7am in the prayer room the next day, and then have another long day at work; 9:00-7:30...and don't know if i'll cope with the 7:15am shift the next day if i do all of that.  

But then...parents cope with their stupidly early mornings and disturbed nights...maybe i should just get over it.  

I should definitely go to sleep now. 

Push-ups

...i've been trying to remember to do 30-40 a day.  Now, when i say this, i mean the ones that my friend once told me were better for girls-on my knees, not on my toes.  

My upper body is weak, and that needs to change.  I can feel the bicep now, lol.  Still can't do a pull up though.

Don't worry - there's NO WAY i'm going to turn into a muscle woman.  Just want to get enough strength to be able to hit a guy and really hurt him.  Or climb better.  Or carry heavier things.   Or all of the above...

Eh?

I don't know what i actually think or feel anymore.  

I've thought so much, and felt so many different things.  Past and present have now merged.  It's all gone from distinct colours to a huge mush of greeny-brown.  

My current status is unknown, and can only be guessed at.  

I'm scared that i'm just suppressing it.  And don't know how i could tell.

Unfair

Jennie Dobson bought new shoes and feel a bit better. 6 minutes ago - Comment

Comment?!?!  That is really just not fair. 

Summer and birthday

I was just brushing my teeth and got a wave of excitement at the thought of Summer.  Please let it be a lovely and warm one this year!!  

I want to make the most of the park and beaches and garden and friend-time.

I want it to be the most beautiful Summer of all.

And...i'm thinking about making my birthday a trip to the beach, meal, and then dance.  

Don't know if i can fit it all into a day without collapsing...but i'm going to think about it some more when i have the time...which will be either Wednesday (depending on how the to-do list goes) or Friday.  

I'm excited though :)

Morning...

...i could have stayed in bed forever this morning.  I want a lie-in! MAN, how do parents cope?Feeling very sleepy, i just don't understand why i don't have energy all the time.  Do parents always feel like this?!  Should i just suck it in and get used to it?!

I've not given the vit stuff i've been taking enough time to say whether or not it's working yet, so fingers crossed!  When it's not been this close to waking up time i have felt like i've got energy...so that's a good sign.

Mmmm...bed...

Laughing

...it's good.  I want more of it in my life.  

That was a good night.

My day

Community breakfast - in a bigger room, so felt less intimate, but was great to see people and kids again, and it's definitely the best venue. 

Family Lunch - i went to pick up nan which was lovely, then we went over to my parents together.  Didn't spend that much time there, cause i knew i had to get back and do more sorting.

Bedroom - 3 1/2 bin bags of 'stuff' so far.  I'm just chucking them.  It's ridiculous.  There's still so much more to sort through! I don't get how i've ended up with all of this.  

Now - i'm dead.  Arms are dead. So much lifting and heaving and sorting and i'm feeling it.  I need to cook dinner.  Haha.  I don't want to move.

Later - Community vision gathering - means it's gonna be a late night.  

I should really sleep.  And cook.  And can't believe there's still more sorting to do!

James Marsden

I just watched 27 dresses with Alex and my fellow bridesmaids, and re-discovered my crush on the lead guy, who i now affectionately know as James :) 

Wow.

Big sort out...

I've filled one and a half bin bags with 'stuff' that has been in my room.  And i'm not half way through yet.  Wow.  And now my back's hurting from it all.  Done for tonight now.  Time to bridesmaid it up!!

Today has been lovely

I walked in the park with friends and it was lovely.  I visited Sarah and joined her busyness and it was also lovely.  I went to the Fort for some bits i needed and got a panini and the sun was lovely and warm on my face and it was wonderful.  I wanted to stay there forever. 

Now i've got to make a card and then start to sort out my mess-of-a-room - i've hoarded waaay too much stuff; plastic bags, birthday cards, fake lettuces...

Flippin knee

I recently scarred myself on my knee.  Can't even remember how now.  But EVERY TIME i shave my legs i forget about it, catch it with the razor, and make it bleed.  

That's gonna be one u-g-l-y scar. :(

Summer

I really hope this summer is a glorious one.  With lovely warmth and sunshine.

Good sleep

I slept for under 8 hours, but feel awake.  I had a bit of a lie-in yesterday, and am wondering if that's why.  This is definitely not a complaint.  But in comparison to ordinary mornings, i am very awake. 

Also, i'm taking both Well Woman and Barocca, Berrocca...well, its a health thing that gives you energy and the lovely Hannah M has let me have hers to see if they do good.  So today/tomorrow i should be feeling greeeat. (Remember the Frosties advert?!)  

On top of that i've stuck to the plan and have bought in smoothies, veg, fruit (some of which i only just remembered...oops)...and so am working hard to get at least my 5 a day. 

Today is a walk in the park, a visit to my lovely Sarah, a bit of shopping, the start of my bedroom sorting (i hoard too much stuff), and a bridesmaid gathering (for Alex's wedding).  This should be a good day.  

Happy Saturday :)

Idonthaveaclue

Man.  I've had a good life.  Crap moments, but good life.  

The young people...they haven't.  I was at job no 2 today, and they've seen/experienced/learnt of stuff that makes me so sad.  Most of them i've never experienced at nearly-23, and so i can't completely understand them.  I can empathise, and i can try to understand in part, but today for some reason it's really re-hit me that i'm living in a different world to them.  

Because of situations they've been forced into, because of whatever reason that i'm not going into, their chances of happiness, security, success in our world have all been radically reduced.  It's not fair.

It's just so, so not fair.

What can i do? I have to do something.  I don't know what that something can be.  But the rest of my life is going to be made of 'somethings' that will hopefully amount to something positive in their lives.  'Somethings' that mean they break out of the pattern set before them.  

No-one can judge them.  They are products of their upbringing.  And it breaks my heart.  I'm broken over these guys.  

It's not fair.  But i'm gonna try and make it a bit better.  Somehow.  

God help me - i'm clueless.  In You, with You, i believe i can do it.  Without you there's not much point.

Poppin pills

Right, so, i've just remembered this.  Apparently it's not normal, when you're taking a pill, to first fill your mouth with your drink and then push the pill through your now closed lips so that the drink doesn't come out.  

My mum was crying with laughter at me doing that yesterday.  

It just makes sense to me.  Means i don't taste the pill/feel it on my tongue so it's easier to swallow.  

Tiptoe twin

The lovely Sam is coming up from London on the 6th of Feb so that we can go together to celebrate the engagement of the ever-entertaining Jen and Lea, whom we both love.  I am SO excited about getting Sam for two car journeys all to myself :)

That is something to look forward to.  

On top of that, i get to see my GORGOUS Jennie Flower.  For a weekend!  And her lovely fiancee of course :)

The whole weekend is definitely something to look forward to.

Yay.

Oh, and the tiptoe twin thing is because he, too, has always walked on his tiptoes :)

It's post traumatic stress

...it's amazing how convincing i can be when i want to/need to be. 

I went over to my parents today after work (7.30ish), to find my parents eating yoghurts at the table and my Josh nowhere to be seen.  They explained that he's really not in a good way, and they were really glad i'd turned up, he's just not himself...he thinks he's got brain damage from the accident...dad said that they'd been sitting talking and laughing just fine, and then he just switched and went all sullen and retreated to his room.

I know that he's had hallucinations, and so could understand the fear of brain damage, and when they said it my heart felt like it skipped a beat; if ANYTHING happens to my brother then my whole world is just not right. 

So i went upstairs, scared of what i'd find.  He told me some of the things that were happening; mood swings, going hot and cold, aching in different places on different days, hallucinations, can't sleep...and i told him that all sounded pretty normal for post traumatic stress, and that i thought that was what he had.  

I explained that i knew Dean had weird things happen after his crash, and that i was convinced that it was the same with Josh.  I told him to expect it to keep on happening for a good few weeks, but that it would eventually stop.  I actually told him Dean said to say that. 

It seems to have worked.  He was much more himself, although that could have been a mood swing again...left him with my laptop for a while, and hoped that it would all stop soon.

And i spoke to Dean about it when i got home, and he agreed with me; pts.  

So, lesson of the day? Sometimes, acting overly confident in something you're not really sure about is definitely the right thing to do :)

If i were in charge...

...i'd declare today duvet day.  

But then again, i'd probably be declaring said day at a rate of around one a week knowing me!

Crazy dreams

Sometimes...i wonder what my head is going on about.  I dreamt about so many random things, with so many random people in it, is very odd.  

But it left me with a negative feeling when i woke up.  I hate it when dreams have that sort of control.  They're just dreams, but they can effect the rest of my day so easily. 

Booo to negative feeling dreams. 

Just before bedtime

...well, technically it's beyond bed time.  I made myself white hot chocolate to send me all sleepy, but don't think i actually needed it.  Think that was more of an excuse anyway!

I was in job no 2 today, and i do enjoy it.  It can really drag sometimes, but staff are mostly a great laugh and the kids are headaches and completely stealing my heart all at the same time.  Really sucky thing i had to do though; a room search.  Because one of the yp has self harmed.  I had to go through their stuff and search for sharp things.  It breaks me that they'd do that to themselves.  Another one makes themself sick on purpose so that they don't have to go to school - i just, it's beyond me.  They're all so hurt and broken and lost and it just makes me so sad to see the effect of their upbringing and surroundings effect them in such a negative way.  I can see parts of their true selves shining through, and i want to grab that person and pull them forwards - they're all so amazing, 'stuff' aside.

Anyway, they're totally the kind of kids i want to be working with.  Well, saying that - broken kids...the community i work in is totally the place i want to be working in...if that makes sense.  

Job 2, despite my love for it, doesn't even come close to job 1.  It's just allowing me to have an extra however many hours inputting acceptance and hopefully expressing something of God into the lives of young people who are disadvantaged.  

Heavy

Geeeeeeze.  Life can be heavy and hard sometimes.  It's easy for one or two things to get on top of you, but man alive, sometimes eternal sleep really does seem like the better option.  Only, knowing me, i'd dream heavy and hard things that mean it'd be just as sucky. 

When am i going to next be in a place of happiness without the heaviness?  Or even, with a bit more happiness?  

It has to exist...

Tsk, i tut at myself, i have lovely friends and family, that should make me feel much better, but today, it doesn't.  Maybe i just need to see them.

And don't read into this that i'm in a state of depression; i'm not, and do have happiness in my life, its just that atm it's shadowed by heaviness.  But i'm ok.  And will be fine.  I'm sure.

Early for once

I don't really get my morning-times. 

I've given myself an hour and a bit to get ready, because often i'm left rushing at the end of it and that's not a good start to the morning.  But today at 8:10, 35mins before i need to leave, all i need to do is my makeup and some God time!  Ooh, and the bins, mustn't forget the bins.

Do i fall asleep without realising on other mornings?!

The sea

I need to be here now.  I long for the sea, it is one of the places i feel closest to God...and i miss it. I ache for it.  These are photos of the last time i saw it. 

Feeling kinda tired...

...yeaaah.  I know that exhaustion is something i got used to last year - was just normal for me to feel run down, but over Christmas that feeling wasn't around anymore...and now it's back.  I don't want to be this person.  It's not good. 

The cause of it could be my diet - i've not been eating enough good stuff, and i know that taking 'Well Woman' on Deans recommendation (though, he did say it was based on Well Man) did make a difference when i took it before Christmas; i must start using it again. 

However, i'm aware that it could be because i'm now doing my two jobs - two jobs that demand a lot of energy and in which i hold great value.  I've gone from 3 days a week to 5 days a week, which can include starts as early as 7:15am and ends as late as 10:00pm.  On top of that, i've had quite an emotionally demanding start to the year, maybe that has effected me too.  

So, i'm going to try changing the diet, and see how that goes.  Only i don't have energy to go and buy the food today, lol. 

Lost

I feel lost this morning.  I don't really know what that means, or what i should do about it...and it's taken me a while to figure out how to describe the feeling, but yeah.  It's not some negative reflection on life or anything.  It's just that i feel like i'm not quite all here this morning, and the bit of me that is feels very, well, lost.  Spaced out is part of it too.  Hmmm...

Church curry

I like my church.  I don't actually know that many people in it...there's the people from my community, and then a few outside of that, and then strangers/people who's faces i recognise.  

But i still like it.  There's something about genuine community and care for each other, is nice. 

We've started to have evening services; same sermon as the morning ones, but means that if you're serving in the morning you get to hear the sermon on the evening - which is great.  Also, the morning is VERY family orientated - children running everywhere, very loud, quite crowded.  The evening service is soo much more chilled - no children, fewer people, more 20-something aged, i love it.  I love them both, for different reasons.

This evening after church we went for a curry.  "We" = over 40 of us.  It was a huge family outing, and it was great.  Happy, chilled, friendly.  That's church.  

So many people don't get what church is about, they see it as a boring service.  If only they could see it through my eyes.  

Joshi survived...

Man alive, i got a call from my brother saying that he'd been in a car crash today.  Scary stuff.  He's ok.  Well - nothing in him broke, and nothing in Pete, the driver, broke...but the car most definately broke.  

Poor thing is very achey and whiplashed...he's told me i must always wear a seatbelt...he'd be dead if he hadn't.  

That doesn't bear thinking about. 

The police said they were amazed he's alive, that people have died in crashes smaller than this one.  

Josh didn't call my parents, and i think they're upset about that.  But when i asked him why, he said it was because he didn't want them to worry when they saw the crash, he thought it'd be best if he left it till he knew what was wrong...is amazing how different things can look from different perspectives.

Pete aquaplaned, that's how it happened...and that's scary.  

Ugh.

Another piece of useful advice...

I was 'talking' to a good friend of mine over emails and one of his little gems of wisdom was;

"Do try not to over analyse everything, bloody woman!!"

...it's a good observation.  Not that i'm a woman - that's slightly more obvious, but that i over analyse everything.

My head doesn't let stuff go.  It keeps on thinking and analysing and questioning, to the point where it's not very good for me.  It saps the fun out of life.  And makes me more reserved and wary i think.  Haha, i just gave an example, but it was waay too realistic - you'd all get freaked out and run away, lol!!  So i deleted it. :)

But suffice to say, i need to stop over analysing situations.  I don't know how to.  And if i'm honest, there's a level of safety i feel after i analyse every possible thought man could muster over a situation.  

Good advice...

"well actually if you grab stinging nettles they dont sting you

but if you brush them they do

so if you grab men they wont sting you

...not really sure were im going with this"

Advice on relationships from the one and only Daniel Cozens.

Shoes again...

Argh...the shoes are still calling me.  Sooo pretty...  

So i looked at the bank balance.

No shoes for me!

:(

Sunshine!!

I feel like i've not seen the sun for ages.  To celebrate, today will be a skirt day :)

Flowers

I've had a lie-in, and it was good.  

I'm enjoying not being a parent atm...not that it's an option, lol, but you know what i mean.  And not that i'd never want to be a parent...even though it freaks me out to think about it.  I'm just liking not having that responsibility of having to get up at 6am every morning (...and entertaining the kids, feed them, do things they want to do rather than what i want to do) right now.  

I think if i ever get married then i'd want a good few years of being married before having children too - enjoying the togetherness without little ones.  But then, i'd not want to be an old mommy...and as i'm not with anyone right now, i'll not be getting married before i'm 26 i shouldn't think, at the earliest...oh do you know what? I was just going to go through and plan it all...but it's silly, lol, who knows what and when and all that jazz?  Que sera, sera.

Speaking of Marriage, that's actually the purpose of this blog, lol.  I'm going to see Al in a bit for lunch, and then we're going to look at pretty Bride and Bridesmaid flowers - whoop!  As i think i've blogged before, i'm LOVING being a bridesmaid - soo much fun, as well as the amazing privilege.  

Right, getting up time!

Shoes

I'm in a shoe buying mood.  I have been since Sunday.  I walked past New Look, saw pretty shoes, and now i've got a craving.  My issue is that i've got wide feet, so lots of nice shoes don't actually fit me.  BUT New Look now do wide fitting shoes - superstars that they are :)

Dean got new boots today.  Saw them, liked them, bought them.  That's what i want to do.  Only i have a sneaky suspicion i'd end up with more than one pair if i went atm.  Not that i can afford that in the SLIGHTEST!!  Lucky dean, and his new Dodgy Daves, or whatever they're called.  I just went on the Schuh sale website and 'spent' £420.  None of them would probably fit me though.  Man, shoes.

My dilemma now is this; i love heels, and heels love me.  Heels don't love driving.  I love driving.  So what do i buy?! Maybe i need a pair of shoes in my car at all times to drive in.  Thing is, i already take time to get out of my car after parking, with my ipod and phone and handbag all being out in the car...so having to also switch shoes would just feel so extra.

In all fairness to me as well, my trainers make my baby toes hurt - very sad day cause they're not that old...but truth! So i could really do with a pair of shoes that would be good for work. 

But...heels are sooo pretty :)...good job i'm broke!!

Very quickly...

Feels odd to not have been on here yesterday...i'm becoming an addict.  I really enjoy just throwing my thoughts up on here as they come up (as long as i'm near a computer!)

I'm waving the 'flippin freezin flag' this morning.  Heating is on in my room and the bathroom, but not anywhere else, and it just makes me want to hide under my quilt and sleep the ridiculous hour away.  

In other news...i've got what looks like a burn on my wrist.  I'm only really 50% freaked out by it - freaky stuff happens; adds to the excitement of life, but at the same time...there's what looks like a burn on my wrist, and to the best of my knowledge it wasn't there 7 hours ago when i was tucking myself up in bed.  

Right - braving the cold and finishing getting ready time now - don't know what lunch can be today!

Hmm...

It's so easy for life to become consumed by work and jobs and busyness. 

People today were talking about how it's normal in some homes to do 12hr shifts.

I don't want my life to be like that.  I want to always have time for space, friends, family...i hope that's what God wants for me too.  

It seems the norm to say it is, and then to practice the opposite, busying ourselves with everything possible.  

But maybe being busy and having full lives is actually what's best for us?

Or maybe everyone's different.  Not better/worse, lazier/more selfless...just different.

Maybe i wonder too much.

Those times & people are missed...

Cleaning time.

Well, afternoon of cleaning anyway.  I got rid of the rubbish in the car, put it through a car wash (which scared me...turned up Justin and tried to get distracted), and now am about to attack the whole house.  Not sure how long it's gonna take, but need to do everything.  Is all dirty.  I hate how it gets dirty so easily.  I have my ipod to keep me going, and until 7:30 before i have to be anywhere. 

Life in a children's home

Work started at 7:15am today.  I liked it.  I hated the early start, but loved the shift.  Two kids went to school on time, then two more at, like, 11:00am, one didn't at all, and one is expelled.  Once i'd got back from taking the late school attendees the two left behind were bored, and one was annoyed that he was being asked to do work.  A mug was thrown and broken, i had to stamp out a small fire...and later on, because he was bored, the other young person tagged a wall and ripped up paper/threw stuff all over the floor.  

What is it that means that, where i'd find something constructive to do with my time if i was bored, or process/let go of/address my anger or frustration, they turn to destructive behaviour? And how the flip can i help them to realise that it's not the way to behave, and develop the skills to behave differently?  And how do you un-lazy a young person? 

I'm scared of who they'll become unless they change.  

It makes a difference!

The cold.  I blame the cold for my morning distractions on here - i get to a point (shower, get dressed, bible...) where i need to leave my room (hairdryer, make-up, rare occasion of breakfast, go out), and i just can't bring myself to.  Just sitting on my bed now i can feel the cold coming from my door, and it's closed!!

You see, heating in this house is a bit stupid.  The timer's broken, and so we need to have the heating on all the time, or not at all.  But we feel bad if we have all of it on all the time - that's a lot of money for our landlady - so we just have our bedroom and bathroom radiators on.  Which means anywhere else in the morning is FREEZING.  Plus the front door is old and so you can actually feel the draft coming off it, and see the gaps where it's coming from.  It radiates cold.  Which means our landing and stairs and entry are only warm when it's hot outside.  

So...I've got this far, i think i should be given an award for the effort and then be able to go back to bed.

White Hot Choc

...this was the plan for when i got in from V Project, to get me warm and cozy and sleepy so i can get a good night's sleep before Children's Home work tomorrow at 7:15am.  

But i have no milk. 

Sad day.

Work hours

Back in December i wrote on here how i need to do more hours at UDB for me to be able to do the things i want/feel the need/need to do.  But at the same time was stuck in not wanting to just do what seems obvious, and also aware that i could really do with having paid work 5 days a week.

This month i'm working at a children's home for 2 days a week, but have decided that i need to cut that down to 1 from Feb so that i can spend more time with UDB.  The prayer and hope is that there will be enough money to pay me for those four days...but if we don't have it then i'll have to trust God in it.   

It's exciting, but a bit daunting too.  Watch this space i guess!

Ben and Jerry's

I'm sooo looking forward to the tub i know's in the freezer.  But atm am too snuggly to move.  I love nights when i'm in and Dean's in and we're here together in our living room.  It doesn't happen hardly ever.  But i'm out tonight - V Project.  That's great, they're good fun.  But, i'm definitely feeling the duvet-movie-ice cream night in tonight. 

Ben and Jerry's time :)

Bloated

Because i'd not eaten for a while, my stomach had got smaller (kind of goes without saying really), and i knew it was going to change once i started eating again...and that's fine, because my BMI is right on cue. 

However, last night, in my frustrations with the Jessopsness (had to do it all at the office on a pc because of the fact that Jessops and Mac are enemies) i got myself a medium donner meat and chips.  Today, i feel GROSS and so bloated. More gross than if i'd not eaten anything.  It was more food than i usually get (comfort eating - was very frustrated), but i'm really surprised at how it's left me feeling.  And so thirsty!

I'm going to wash it out with lots of water and probably not eat that food again for a long while.

I win

...and then figure it'd only have cost me £6 if there was no deal. 

But as i explained to my Dean, it wouldn't have taken any less time to go the paying way.  Unless i took them into a store on a memory stick...but i wouldn't have done that.

I left the office around 9:30...that's about 3 hours JUST trying to get them ordered - i'd already picked the photos!!

Macs and Jessops are enemies. 

But i still win. 

Bed time. 

Flippin Jessops!

MAN ALIVE!!!

All i want to do is claim the 90 free photos.  I've tried quite a few times, and still can't.  I'm now in the office on a PC because i thought maybe it's a mac problem.  It's not.  It's definitely a Jessops problem.  A BIG FAT Jessops problem.  

Thing is, this is very bad for them.  I was thinking about using them for future photo needs - i use a LOT of photos and have been thinking i need to print more of them out.  

Now that i've FINALLY got into the Jessops website on the PC, the PC won't recognise my external hard drive, where my photos are.  

I WILL prevail.  They will NOT defeat me.  I am Amy, hear me roar!!!

Shower thoughts

1. My shower seems to not like me atm.  It keeps on trying to burn me, for no apparent reason, other than i'm making it work before 8am. 

2. I got bought a Lush shower bomb for Christmas, and the bag it's in says to recycle it by taking it back to the shop and buying another one.  I feel compelled to do that so that the bag gets used again.  But i think that's got to be a bit twisted, right?!

3. Wednesday after my morning shift is definitely a cleaning the house day.

Get UP!

Why is it that in the winter i can't ever seem to get up straight away?  

I've been hitting the snooze button for 45 mins!!  This blog is a desperate attempt to get myself up and out of bed - am now sitting up, but who knows if i'll actually be able to get out of bed.  

Dean didn't come home last night, and his alarm is going off in his room - it just doesn't stop!! I need to go and stop that now.  Not a friendly alarm.  Maybe that's my problem; my alarm is too friendly.  I changed it because my old one made me annoyed, but perhaps i need to find one in the middle somewhere...

I didn't sleep that well last night, which can't help matters; kept on waking up and being awake for long - boo.  

Bed = warm and snuggly, i'm still tired, so getting up seems foolish!!

Man, i'm jealous of Dan the Student.

Oh man, and just remembered that Sarah had a 7:30 meeting - eek! If that was me, i'd have missed it!!  Poor Sarah.

Right, i'm going to destroy Deans alarm now.  Happy Monday!

Maid of honour duties

Right, there are a few roles i need to fill apparently...but it's all good.  

• Go wedding gown shopping with the bride and be honest when she steps out of the changing room. - whoop! How exciting!
• Help select bridesmaid’s dresses, pay for your dress & accessories. - Jen and Lea have been amazing and said that they want to bless us by paying :)
• Call all the bridesmaids when it’s time for shopping and fittings - new friends!! Yay. 
• Help address invitations. - will need a trip to Manchester, but i'm up for it!
• Help wrap and tag guest favours/Bombonniere. - guess i'll be spending a lot of time in Manchester!!
• Host a bridal shower or stagette with other bridesmaids. If one of the mom’s is hosting, lend a hand where needed. - as you probably know, i'm down with organising stuff...i'll have to start thinking about what she'd like to do...
• Address and send shower invitations. - they will, most definitely, be totally gorgeous. 
• Take RSVP’s for shower.
• Attend rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. - these will be in Rugby.  And sound lots and lots of fun :)
• Help decorate ceremony and reception locations if necessary. - That sounds like fun!
• Helps the bride get dressed on her wedding day. - she will be the most beautiful ever, i know i'll cry.  
• It’s your duty to make sure the bride’s veil and train looks nice before and during the ceremony. The photographer can’t stop taking pictures during this time and he/she can’t go up on the altar to straighten out the bride…only you can. Guests will expect this from you. - no pressure there then! Eek!
• Holds the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony. - TWO bouquets?! I'd best not drop it...
• Keeps the groom’s wedding ring until the ring exchange, unless the best man or ring bearer are holding them. - oh-my-word...fingers crossed for the best man!!
• Stand in the receiving line (optional). - i can feel the cheek ache already, lol.
• Will sit to the bride’s right at the reception. - flippin amazing privilege again!!
• Signs the marriage certificate as a witness. - wow...i hope it's not a fountain pen...i smudge those...
• Bustles the bride’s train before reception begins. - i think this means poof it a bit...need to check that one out...
• Dance with the best man. - oh-err! I wonder if he's handsome...
• Help the best man bring the gifts to the bride and groom’s home - that'll be so much fun! Setting them out for them for when they return!
• Help with clean up after reception. - will be as if we were never there :)

I'm so excited!! First up Alex and Phil ask me to be their bridesmaid.  I love them both so much - was completely shocked and touched by it, and am loving, LOVING that role in their big day.  I've already been involved in so many of the decisions - is wonderful.  Now i get to be my Jennie's Maid of Honour - i am beyond excited.  And beyond touched.  I feel totally loved.

Maid of Honour

I am honored to have been asked to be my very lovely Jennie-Lady's maid of honour.  

She is a wonderful friend, and i will keep her forever, and she loves me enough to ask me to fill this amazing role in this most exciting of days in her life. 

What a flippin' privilege. 

Right...now i've got to find out what my role is!!!

Friends and park and ice