Tonight...

I'm going out.  Lee's djing.  Whoop-de-whoop! 

BUT...it's flippin freezing.  

Hmmm...

Momentum and Greenbelt

...i'm considering doing them both. 

Would that be completely insane?!

I just like the idea of filling my time with fun stuff, and saying 'why not?' to things more often.  I'm young, single, and not paying off a mortgage...i should surely take as much advantage of these things when i can...?

Emotions

How is it that i can be happy as anything one moment, and then the next be as opposite as you can get?  What is that about?  

How is it that something i feel fine about at one point, can suddenly make me feel completely horrible?  Am i in denial when it's fine, or wallowing when it's horrible?

And can i get to a state where i'm happy and fine without the switching happening?

I'm really hoping that this is hormonal. 

One storey

I like the idea of living on one floor.  Of swanning around listening to my music and having the floor all floorboards with rugs in the different rooms, carpet in my bedroom, openish plan...

i think i watch too many American shows and films. 

I want a dog

But i really don't at the same time.  

Good job, as i rent.  

But seriously though.  

I want a dog.  

I miss my gerbil.  

I'd love another...only i'd prefer a pet that runs around my house.  Even though i totally loved my gerbil.

I can't have a dog.  

Gorgeous!

Man alive...i took a young person to Bham library today, and there were some gorgeous men there.  And now they're on my tv too.  Gorgeous men.  

But i'll bet you anything they're not christian.  

Or have some serious issues.  

Or both. 

Running low...

...of my porky pigs.  I need to find some more.  Asda Walmart has them i think, that's where i got them from before.  

Worryingly...Whittards in Birmingham has closed, and the website is sold out of white hot chocolate.  I'm seriously considering visiting the one in Nottingham and stocking up.  Look:

...uh-oh...

Early shift

Maaaan...it's early.  I've been up for 1hr15mins, and all i want to do is curl up in my bed.  Think i'll do that when i get home for an hour or so.  

Early shifts SHOULD mean that i only see young people for 45 mins tops...but i've not yet been at job no 2 when everyone's gone to school.  Is shocking.  And there's nothing you can do about it.  

If they don't go, they have to get in-house education, which is a laugh in itself, and they definitely don't want to engage with that!  So you end up being annoying to them for the day, trying to get them to do some work.

So fingers crossed they'll all be at school. 

Joshua

My brother is a legend.  

When he's himself, and not worried about what people think of him, he's the funniest guy i know.  And he's smart, and generous, and loving, and thoughtful...and i love him.  He's one of my favourite people and i'd do just about anything for him.

I just wish he knew how great he is...in a non-big-headed kind of way. 

The clock stopped

It told me it was 8:35 and then the church clock chimed which tells me that it's actually 9:00.  

So i went, this morning, from being early to being late.  

No breakfast for me. 

It's thrown my whole day off. 

It's just not big enough

My bag, that is.  It can only just close.  I had to get a new bag because my other one was hurting my back it was so heavy; new bag has a long strap so the weight can be spread across me a bit more.  

Essentials are in there;

• phone
  
• keys
  
• ipod
  
• purse
  
• diary
  
• playing cards
  
• bank/club cards
  
• chewing gum
  
• toiletry bag consisting of plasters, drugs, deodorant (a little one), soap, wet wipes
  
• bible
  

I would like to add to that list;

• water bottle
  
• prayer journal
  
• pens for prayer journal
  
• scarf
  
• hat
  
• sweeties
  
• tomtom (which i can just about fit in there if i absolutely have to)
  

Ho-hum.

Breakfast

In the morning, i normally can't stomach the thought of toast or cereal for breakfast, the thought of it makes me gag...but then often a Sausage and Egg McMuffin is very appealing.  

I drove past this morning and didn't get one.  Hurrah for me.  But i will drive past again in a bit and don't know if i can manage to not get one a second time around.  

Oh dear.

6am prayer

I like it.  

I don't like it at 5:30 when my alarm goes off.  At that point i wish it was Saturday.  But then, once i'm in my car on my way...i like it.  

25 random things about me + 3

I did this on Facebook today, and quite enjoyed it! So thought i'd store it here...i don't really get the 'notes' part of facebook so will loose it if i don't! Have added an extra few on the bottom, and am sure that i'll add more as life goes on :)

1 - I can be both very indecisive and a little too decisive...only not at the same time
2 - I've always walked on my tiptoes, and have the calves to prove it
3 - I love staring at the stars when i'm away from street lights
4 - My legs and fingers bend in unusual ways
5 -I love the idea of romance and being romanced
6 -Which reminds me of when i was about 5 and a little boy at a wedding got his mum to go home and get a ring so that he could give it to me...i don't have a clue who he was, but still have the ring :)
7 - The sea is a necessity in my life - i have cravings for it
8 - I want to explore the world, especially America
9 - I've still got my first ever cuddly toy; Ellie
10 - I've re-discovered the joy of blogging
11 - I regret being swayed on the colour of my room by those who were present at the time of purchasing it
12 - I love love love photos - they're memories you can store forever
13 - I wish i could dance better, and had the time for lessons. In another life i'd want to be a dancer professionally - it makes me feel alive
14 - Me and cotton wool/loose woollen clothing/laces do not get on. Don't go there. I will lash out in defense
15 - I always want a new pair of heeled shoes
16 - I almost always feel too tall when i wear them (yay for taller guys!!)
17 - I wish i baked more
18 - I wish i climbed more
19 - Words can not express how much i value my amazing friends
20 - I'm privileged enough to be a Bridesmaid for Phil and Alex AND the Maid of Honour for Jen and Lea - still completely bowled over by the fact that they've both picked me
21 - I feel most loved when someone wants to spend time with me 'just because' 
22 - I've never been bought flowers by a boy
23 - I love random adventures and road trips with friends
24 - Getting post from a friend will always make my day
25 – My life is enhanced beautifully by food and all it's wonderful varieties

26 - I really like driving fast, but think it's wrong to not keep to the speed limit

27 - When Dean's not coming home i'll often dance around the house to songs on my ipod

28 - I'm one of those drivers who go past singing their heart out as if no-one can see them.  Even if i'm at the traffic lights.

So there you go! Learn anything new?!

Scary

...i'm scared of who some of the young people i work with are going to turn into.  Of how their lives are going to be so mediocre/joy less/hope less.  

It makes me so sad to see them trapped into ways of thinking and being.  

It's like they can't be bothered to achieve/make something of themselves/dream/try.

What's the difference between them and the others, who are trying/dreaming/aiming to achieve?

Is there ANYTHING that can be done to change their direction?

Workworkworkwork...

Is seriously what life feels like atm.  

I was pretty much working 9am-9:30pm today (with a dinner break between 6 and 7:15), and then am at other job at 7:15am tomorrow.  Monday was 9am-6:30pm, 7:45-11pm.  

Tomorrow i should go to two community things; one from 6-8, and another from 8-late, but then i'm praying 6am-7am in the prayer room the next day, and then have another long day at work; 9:00-7:30...and don't know if i'll cope with the 7:15am shift the next day if i do all of that.  

But then...parents cope with their stupidly early mornings and disturbed nights...maybe i should just get over it.  

I should definitely go to sleep now. 

Push-ups

...i've been trying to remember to do 30-40 a day.  Now, when i say this, i mean the ones that my friend once told me were better for girls-on my knees, not on my toes.  

My upper body is weak, and that needs to change.  I can feel the bicep now, lol.  Still can't do a pull up though.

Don't worry - there's NO WAY i'm going to turn into a muscle woman.  Just want to get enough strength to be able to hit a guy and really hurt him.  Or climb better.  Or carry heavier things.   Or all of the above...

Eh?

I don't know what i actually think or feel anymore.  

I've thought so much, and felt so many different things.  Past and present have now merged.  It's all gone from distinct colours to a huge mush of greeny-brown.  

My current status is unknown, and can only be guessed at.  

I'm scared that i'm just suppressing it.  And don't know how i could tell.

Unfair

Jennie Dobson bought new shoes and feel a bit better. 6 minutes ago - Comment

Comment?!?!  That is really just not fair. 

Summer and birthday

I was just brushing my teeth and got a wave of excitement at the thought of Summer.  Please let it be a lovely and warm one this year!!  

I want to make the most of the park and beaches and garden and friend-time.

I want it to be the most beautiful Summer of all.

And...i'm thinking about making my birthday a trip to the beach, meal, and then dance.  

Don't know if i can fit it all into a day without collapsing...but i'm going to think about it some more when i have the time...which will be either Wednesday (depending on how the to-do list goes) or Friday.  

I'm excited though :)

Morning...

...i could have stayed in bed forever this morning.  I want a lie-in! MAN, how do parents cope?Feeling very sleepy, i just don't understand why i don't have energy all the time.  Do parents always feel like this?!  Should i just suck it in and get used to it?!

I've not given the vit stuff i've been taking enough time to say whether or not it's working yet, so fingers crossed!  When it's not been this close to waking up time i have felt like i've got energy...so that's a good sign.

Mmmm...bed...

Laughing

...it's good.  I want more of it in my life.  

That was a good night.

My day

Community breakfast - in a bigger room, so felt less intimate, but was great to see people and kids again, and it's definitely the best venue. 

Family Lunch - i went to pick up nan which was lovely, then we went over to my parents together.  Didn't spend that much time there, cause i knew i had to get back and do more sorting.

Bedroom - 3 1/2 bin bags of 'stuff' so far.  I'm just chucking them.  It's ridiculous.  There's still so much more to sort through! I don't get how i've ended up with all of this.  

Now - i'm dead.  Arms are dead. So much lifting and heaving and sorting and i'm feeling it.  I need to cook dinner.  Haha.  I don't want to move.

Later - Community vision gathering - means it's gonna be a late night.  

I should really sleep.  And cook.  And can't believe there's still more sorting to do!

James Marsden

I just watched 27 dresses with Alex and my fellow bridesmaids, and re-discovered my crush on the lead guy, who i now affectionately know as James :) 

Wow.

Big sort out...

I've filled one and a half bin bags with 'stuff' that has been in my room.  And i'm not half way through yet.  Wow.  And now my back's hurting from it all.  Done for tonight now.  Time to bridesmaid it up!!

Today has been lovely

I walked in the park with friends and it was lovely.  I visited Sarah and joined her busyness and it was also lovely.  I went to the Fort for some bits i needed and got a panini and the sun was lovely and warm on my face and it was wonderful.  I wanted to stay there forever. 

Now i've got to make a card and then start to sort out my mess-of-a-room - i've hoarded waaay too much stuff; plastic bags, birthday cards, fake lettuces...

Flippin knee

I recently scarred myself on my knee.  Can't even remember how now.  But EVERY TIME i shave my legs i forget about it, catch it with the razor, and make it bleed.  

That's gonna be one u-g-l-y scar. :(

Summer

I really hope this summer is a glorious one.  With lovely warmth and sunshine.

Good sleep

I slept for under 8 hours, but feel awake.  I had a bit of a lie-in yesterday, and am wondering if that's why.  This is definitely not a complaint.  But in comparison to ordinary mornings, i am very awake. 

Also, i'm taking both Well Woman and Barocca, Berrocca...well, its a health thing that gives you energy and the lovely Hannah M has let me have hers to see if they do good.  So today/tomorrow i should be feeling greeeat. (Remember the Frosties advert?!)  

On top of that i've stuck to the plan and have bought in smoothies, veg, fruit (some of which i only just remembered...oops)...and so am working hard to get at least my 5 a day. 

Today is a walk in the park, a visit to my lovely Sarah, a bit of shopping, the start of my bedroom sorting (i hoard too much stuff), and a bridesmaid gathering (for Alex's wedding).  This should be a good day.  

Happy Saturday :)

Idonthaveaclue

Man.  I've had a good life.  Crap moments, but good life.  

The young people...they haven't.  I was at job no 2 today, and they've seen/experienced/learnt of stuff that makes me so sad.  Most of them i've never experienced at nearly-23, and so i can't completely understand them.  I can empathise, and i can try to understand in part, but today for some reason it's really re-hit me that i'm living in a different world to them.  

Because of situations they've been forced into, because of whatever reason that i'm not going into, their chances of happiness, security, success in our world have all been radically reduced.  It's not fair.

It's just so, so not fair.

What can i do? I have to do something.  I don't know what that something can be.  But the rest of my life is going to be made of 'somethings' that will hopefully amount to something positive in their lives.  'Somethings' that mean they break out of the pattern set before them.  

No-one can judge them.  They are products of their upbringing.  And it breaks my heart.  I'm broken over these guys.  

It's not fair.  But i'm gonna try and make it a bit better.  Somehow.  

God help me - i'm clueless.  In You, with You, i believe i can do it.  Without you there's not much point.

Poppin pills

Right, so, i've just remembered this.  Apparently it's not normal, when you're taking a pill, to first fill your mouth with your drink and then push the pill through your now closed lips so that the drink doesn't come out.  

My mum was crying with laughter at me doing that yesterday.  

It just makes sense to me.  Means i don't taste the pill/feel it on my tongue so it's easier to swallow.  

Tiptoe twin

The lovely Sam is coming up from London on the 6th of Feb so that we can go together to celebrate the engagement of the ever-entertaining Jen and Lea, whom we both love.  I am SO excited about getting Sam for two car journeys all to myself :)

That is something to look forward to.  

On top of that, i get to see my GORGOUS Jennie Flower.  For a weekend!  And her lovely fiancee of course :)

The whole weekend is definitely something to look forward to.

Yay.

Oh, and the tiptoe twin thing is because he, too, has always walked on his tiptoes :)

It's post traumatic stress

...it's amazing how convincing i can be when i want to/need to be. 

I went over to my parents today after work (7.30ish), to find my parents eating yoghurts at the table and my Josh nowhere to be seen.  They explained that he's really not in a good way, and they were really glad i'd turned up, he's just not himself...he thinks he's got brain damage from the accident...dad said that they'd been sitting talking and laughing just fine, and then he just switched and went all sullen and retreated to his room.

I know that he's had hallucinations, and so could understand the fear of brain damage, and when they said it my heart felt like it skipped a beat; if ANYTHING happens to my brother then my whole world is just not right. 

So i went upstairs, scared of what i'd find.  He told me some of the things that were happening; mood swings, going hot and cold, aching in different places on different days, hallucinations, can't sleep...and i told him that all sounded pretty normal for post traumatic stress, and that i thought that was what he had.  

I explained that i knew Dean had weird things happen after his crash, and that i was convinced that it was the same with Josh.  I told him to expect it to keep on happening for a good few weeks, but that it would eventually stop.  I actually told him Dean said to say that. 

It seems to have worked.  He was much more himself, although that could have been a mood swing again...left him with my laptop for a while, and hoped that it would all stop soon.

And i spoke to Dean about it when i got home, and he agreed with me; pts.  

So, lesson of the day? Sometimes, acting overly confident in something you're not really sure about is definitely the right thing to do :)

If i were in charge...

...i'd declare today duvet day.  

But then again, i'd probably be declaring said day at a rate of around one a week knowing me!

Crazy dreams

Sometimes...i wonder what my head is going on about.  I dreamt about so many random things, with so many random people in it, is very odd.  

But it left me with a negative feeling when i woke up.  I hate it when dreams have that sort of control.  They're just dreams, but they can effect the rest of my day so easily. 

Booo to negative feeling dreams. 

Just before bedtime

...well, technically it's beyond bed time.  I made myself white hot chocolate to send me all sleepy, but don't think i actually needed it.  Think that was more of an excuse anyway!

I was in job no 2 today, and i do enjoy it.  It can really drag sometimes, but staff are mostly a great laugh and the kids are headaches and completely stealing my heart all at the same time.  Really sucky thing i had to do though; a room search.  Because one of the yp has self harmed.  I had to go through their stuff and search for sharp things.  It breaks me that they'd do that to themselves.  Another one makes themself sick on purpose so that they don't have to go to school - i just, it's beyond me.  They're all so hurt and broken and lost and it just makes me so sad to see the effect of their upbringing and surroundings effect them in such a negative way.  I can see parts of their true selves shining through, and i want to grab that person and pull them forwards - they're all so amazing, 'stuff' aside.

Anyway, they're totally the kind of kids i want to be working with.  Well, saying that - broken kids...the community i work in is totally the place i want to be working in...if that makes sense.  

Job 2, despite my love for it, doesn't even come close to job 1.  It's just allowing me to have an extra however many hours inputting acceptance and hopefully expressing something of God into the lives of young people who are disadvantaged.  

Heavy

Geeeeeeze.  Life can be heavy and hard sometimes.  It's easy for one or two things to get on top of you, but man alive, sometimes eternal sleep really does seem like the better option.  Only, knowing me, i'd dream heavy and hard things that mean it'd be just as sucky. 

When am i going to next be in a place of happiness without the heaviness?  Or even, with a bit more happiness?  

It has to exist...

Tsk, i tut at myself, i have lovely friends and family, that should make me feel much better, but today, it doesn't.  Maybe i just need to see them.

And don't read into this that i'm in a state of depression; i'm not, and do have happiness in my life, its just that atm it's shadowed by heaviness.  But i'm ok.  And will be fine.  I'm sure.

Early for once

I don't really get my morning-times. 

I've given myself an hour and a bit to get ready, because often i'm left rushing at the end of it and that's not a good start to the morning.  But today at 8:10, 35mins before i need to leave, all i need to do is my makeup and some God time!  Ooh, and the bins, mustn't forget the bins.

Do i fall asleep without realising on other mornings?!

The sea

I need to be here now.  I long for the sea, it is one of the places i feel closest to God...and i miss it. I ache for it.  These are photos of the last time i saw it. 

Feeling kinda tired...

...yeaaah.  I know that exhaustion is something i got used to last year - was just normal for me to feel run down, but over Christmas that feeling wasn't around anymore...and now it's back.  I don't want to be this person.  It's not good. 

The cause of it could be my diet - i've not been eating enough good stuff, and i know that taking 'Well Woman' on Deans recommendation (though, he did say it was based on Well Man) did make a difference when i took it before Christmas; i must start using it again. 

However, i'm aware that it could be because i'm now doing my two jobs - two jobs that demand a lot of energy and in which i hold great value.  I've gone from 3 days a week to 5 days a week, which can include starts as early as 7:15am and ends as late as 10:00pm.  On top of that, i've had quite an emotionally demanding start to the year, maybe that has effected me too.  

So, i'm going to try changing the diet, and see how that goes.  Only i don't have energy to go and buy the food today, lol. 

Lost

I feel lost this morning.  I don't really know what that means, or what i should do about it...and it's taken me a while to figure out how to describe the feeling, but yeah.  It's not some negative reflection on life or anything.  It's just that i feel like i'm not quite all here this morning, and the bit of me that is feels very, well, lost.  Spaced out is part of it too.  Hmmm...

Church curry

I like my church.  I don't actually know that many people in it...there's the people from my community, and then a few outside of that, and then strangers/people who's faces i recognise.  

But i still like it.  There's something about genuine community and care for each other, is nice. 

We've started to have evening services; same sermon as the morning ones, but means that if you're serving in the morning you get to hear the sermon on the evening - which is great.  Also, the morning is VERY family orientated - children running everywhere, very loud, quite crowded.  The evening service is soo much more chilled - no children, fewer people, more 20-something aged, i love it.  I love them both, for different reasons.

This evening after church we went for a curry.  "We" = over 40 of us.  It was a huge family outing, and it was great.  Happy, chilled, friendly.  That's church.  

So many people don't get what church is about, they see it as a boring service.  If only they could see it through my eyes.  

Joshi survived...

Man alive, i got a call from my brother saying that he'd been in a car crash today.  Scary stuff.  He's ok.  Well - nothing in him broke, and nothing in Pete, the driver, broke...but the car most definately broke.  

Poor thing is very achey and whiplashed...he's told me i must always wear a seatbelt...he'd be dead if he hadn't.  

That doesn't bear thinking about. 

The police said they were amazed he's alive, that people have died in crashes smaller than this one.  

Josh didn't call my parents, and i think they're upset about that.  But when i asked him why, he said it was because he didn't want them to worry when they saw the crash, he thought it'd be best if he left it till he knew what was wrong...is amazing how different things can look from different perspectives.

Pete aquaplaned, that's how it happened...and that's scary.  

Ugh.

Another piece of useful advice...

I was 'talking' to a good friend of mine over emails and one of his little gems of wisdom was;

"Do try not to over analyse everything, bloody woman!!"

...it's a good observation.  Not that i'm a woman - that's slightly more obvious, but that i over analyse everything.

My head doesn't let stuff go.  It keeps on thinking and analysing and questioning, to the point where it's not very good for me.  It saps the fun out of life.  And makes me more reserved and wary i think.  Haha, i just gave an example, but it was waay too realistic - you'd all get freaked out and run away, lol!!  So i deleted it. :)

But suffice to say, i need to stop over analysing situations.  I don't know how to.  And if i'm honest, there's a level of safety i feel after i analyse every possible thought man could muster over a situation.  

Good advice...

"well actually if you grab stinging nettles they dont sting you

but if you brush them they do

so if you grab men they wont sting you

...not really sure were im going with this"

Advice on relationships from the one and only Daniel Cozens.

Shoes again...

Argh...the shoes are still calling me.  Sooo pretty...  

So i looked at the bank balance.

No shoes for me!

:(

Sunshine!!

I feel like i've not seen the sun for ages.  To celebrate, today will be a skirt day :)

Flowers

I've had a lie-in, and it was good.  

I'm enjoying not being a parent atm...not that it's an option, lol, but you know what i mean.  And not that i'd never want to be a parent...even though it freaks me out to think about it.  I'm just liking not having that responsibility of having to get up at 6am every morning (...and entertaining the kids, feed them, do things they want to do rather than what i want to do) right now.  

I think if i ever get married then i'd want a good few years of being married before having children too - enjoying the togetherness without little ones.  But then, i'd not want to be an old mommy...and as i'm not with anyone right now, i'll not be getting married before i'm 26 i shouldn't think, at the earliest...oh do you know what? I was just going to go through and plan it all...but it's silly, lol, who knows what and when and all that jazz?  Que sera, sera.

Speaking of Marriage, that's actually the purpose of this blog, lol.  I'm going to see Al in a bit for lunch, and then we're going to look at pretty Bride and Bridesmaid flowers - whoop!  As i think i've blogged before, i'm LOVING being a bridesmaid - soo much fun, as well as the amazing privilege.  

Right, getting up time!

Shoes

I'm in a shoe buying mood.  I have been since Sunday.  I walked past New Look, saw pretty shoes, and now i've got a craving.  My issue is that i've got wide feet, so lots of nice shoes don't actually fit me.  BUT New Look now do wide fitting shoes - superstars that they are :)

Dean got new boots today.  Saw them, liked them, bought them.  That's what i want to do.  Only i have a sneaky suspicion i'd end up with more than one pair if i went atm.  Not that i can afford that in the SLIGHTEST!!  Lucky dean, and his new Dodgy Daves, or whatever they're called.  I just went on the Schuh sale website and 'spent' £420.  None of them would probably fit me though.  Man, shoes.

My dilemma now is this; i love heels, and heels love me.  Heels don't love driving.  I love driving.  So what do i buy?! Maybe i need a pair of shoes in my car at all times to drive in.  Thing is, i already take time to get out of my car after parking, with my ipod and phone and handbag all being out in the car...so having to also switch shoes would just feel so extra.

In all fairness to me as well, my trainers make my baby toes hurt - very sad day cause they're not that old...but truth! So i could really do with a pair of shoes that would be good for work. 

But...heels are sooo pretty :)...good job i'm broke!!

Very quickly...

Feels odd to not have been on here yesterday...i'm becoming an addict.  I really enjoy just throwing my thoughts up on here as they come up (as long as i'm near a computer!)

I'm waving the 'flippin freezin flag' this morning.  Heating is on in my room and the bathroom, but not anywhere else, and it just makes me want to hide under my quilt and sleep the ridiculous hour away.  

In other news...i've got what looks like a burn on my wrist.  I'm only really 50% freaked out by it - freaky stuff happens; adds to the excitement of life, but at the same time...there's what looks like a burn on my wrist, and to the best of my knowledge it wasn't there 7 hours ago when i was tucking myself up in bed.  

Right - braving the cold and finishing getting ready time now - don't know what lunch can be today!

Hmm...

It's so easy for life to become consumed by work and jobs and busyness. 

People today were talking about how it's normal in some homes to do 12hr shifts.

I don't want my life to be like that.  I want to always have time for space, friends, family...i hope that's what God wants for me too.  

It seems the norm to say it is, and then to practice the opposite, busying ourselves with everything possible.  

But maybe being busy and having full lives is actually what's best for us?

Or maybe everyone's different.  Not better/worse, lazier/more selfless...just different.

Maybe i wonder too much.

Those times & people are missed...

Cleaning time.

Well, afternoon of cleaning anyway.  I got rid of the rubbish in the car, put it through a car wash (which scared me...turned up Justin and tried to get distracted), and now am about to attack the whole house.  Not sure how long it's gonna take, but need to do everything.  Is all dirty.  I hate how it gets dirty so easily.  I have my ipod to keep me going, and until 7:30 before i have to be anywhere. 

Life in a children's home

Work started at 7:15am today.  I liked it.  I hated the early start, but loved the shift.  Two kids went to school on time, then two more at, like, 11:00am, one didn't at all, and one is expelled.  Once i'd got back from taking the late school attendees the two left behind were bored, and one was annoyed that he was being asked to do work.  A mug was thrown and broken, i had to stamp out a small fire...and later on, because he was bored, the other young person tagged a wall and ripped up paper/threw stuff all over the floor.  

What is it that means that, where i'd find something constructive to do with my time if i was bored, or process/let go of/address my anger or frustration, they turn to destructive behaviour? And how the flip can i help them to realise that it's not the way to behave, and develop the skills to behave differently?  And how do you un-lazy a young person? 

I'm scared of who they'll become unless they change.  

It makes a difference!

The cold.  I blame the cold for my morning distractions on here - i get to a point (shower, get dressed, bible...) where i need to leave my room (hairdryer, make-up, rare occasion of breakfast, go out), and i just can't bring myself to.  Just sitting on my bed now i can feel the cold coming from my door, and it's closed!!

You see, heating in this house is a bit stupid.  The timer's broken, and so we need to have the heating on all the time, or not at all.  But we feel bad if we have all of it on all the time - that's a lot of money for our landlady - so we just have our bedroom and bathroom radiators on.  Which means anywhere else in the morning is FREEZING.  Plus the front door is old and so you can actually feel the draft coming off it, and see the gaps where it's coming from.  It radiates cold.  Which means our landing and stairs and entry are only warm when it's hot outside.  

So...I've got this far, i think i should be given an award for the effort and then be able to go back to bed.

White Hot Choc

...this was the plan for when i got in from V Project, to get me warm and cozy and sleepy so i can get a good night's sleep before Children's Home work tomorrow at 7:15am.  

But i have no milk. 

Sad day.

Work hours

Back in December i wrote on here how i need to do more hours at UDB for me to be able to do the things i want/feel the need/need to do.  But at the same time was stuck in not wanting to just do what seems obvious, and also aware that i could really do with having paid work 5 days a week.

This month i'm working at a children's home for 2 days a week, but have decided that i need to cut that down to 1 from Feb so that i can spend more time with UDB.  The prayer and hope is that there will be enough money to pay me for those four days...but if we don't have it then i'll have to trust God in it.   

It's exciting, but a bit daunting too.  Watch this space i guess!

Ben and Jerry's

I'm sooo looking forward to the tub i know's in the freezer.  But atm am too snuggly to move.  I love nights when i'm in and Dean's in and we're here together in our living room.  It doesn't happen hardly ever.  But i'm out tonight - V Project.  That's great, they're good fun.  But, i'm definitely feeling the duvet-movie-ice cream night in tonight. 

Ben and Jerry's time :)

Bloated

Because i'd not eaten for a while, my stomach had got smaller (kind of goes without saying really), and i knew it was going to change once i started eating again...and that's fine, because my BMI is right on cue. 

However, last night, in my frustrations with the Jessopsness (had to do it all at the office on a pc because of the fact that Jessops and Mac are enemies) i got myself a medium donner meat and chips.  Today, i feel GROSS and so bloated. More gross than if i'd not eaten anything.  It was more food than i usually get (comfort eating - was very frustrated), but i'm really surprised at how it's left me feeling.  And so thirsty!

I'm going to wash it out with lots of water and probably not eat that food again for a long while.

I win

...and then figure it'd only have cost me £6 if there was no deal. 

But as i explained to my Dean, it wouldn't have taken any less time to go the paying way.  Unless i took them into a store on a memory stick...but i wouldn't have done that.

I left the office around 9:30...that's about 3 hours JUST trying to get them ordered - i'd already picked the photos!!

Macs and Jessops are enemies. 

But i still win. 

Bed time. 

Flippin Jessops!

MAN ALIVE!!!

All i want to do is claim the 90 free photos.  I've tried quite a few times, and still can't.  I'm now in the office on a PC because i thought maybe it's a mac problem.  It's not.  It's definitely a Jessops problem.  A BIG FAT Jessops problem.  

Thing is, this is very bad for them.  I was thinking about using them for future photo needs - i use a LOT of photos and have been thinking i need to print more of them out.  

Now that i've FINALLY got into the Jessops website on the PC, the PC won't recognise my external hard drive, where my photos are.  

I WILL prevail.  They will NOT defeat me.  I am Amy, hear me roar!!!

Shower thoughts

1. My shower seems to not like me atm.  It keeps on trying to burn me, for no apparent reason, other than i'm making it work before 8am. 

2. I got bought a Lush shower bomb for Christmas, and the bag it's in says to recycle it by taking it back to the shop and buying another one.  I feel compelled to do that so that the bag gets used again.  But i think that's got to be a bit twisted, right?!

3. Wednesday after my morning shift is definitely a cleaning the house day.

Get UP!

Why is it that in the winter i can't ever seem to get up straight away?  

I've been hitting the snooze button for 45 mins!!  This blog is a desperate attempt to get myself up and out of bed - am now sitting up, but who knows if i'll actually be able to get out of bed.  

Dean didn't come home last night, and his alarm is going off in his room - it just doesn't stop!! I need to go and stop that now.  Not a friendly alarm.  Maybe that's my problem; my alarm is too friendly.  I changed it because my old one made me annoyed, but perhaps i need to find one in the middle somewhere...

I didn't sleep that well last night, which can't help matters; kept on waking up and being awake for long - boo.  

Bed = warm and snuggly, i'm still tired, so getting up seems foolish!!

Man, i'm jealous of Dan the Student.

Oh man, and just remembered that Sarah had a 7:30 meeting - eek! If that was me, i'd have missed it!!  Poor Sarah.

Right, i'm going to destroy Deans alarm now.  Happy Monday!

Maid of honour duties

Right, there are a few roles i need to fill apparently...but it's all good.  

• Go wedding gown shopping with the bride and be honest when she steps out of the changing room. - whoop! How exciting!
• Help select bridesmaid’s dresses, pay for your dress & accessories. - Jen and Lea have been amazing and said that they want to bless us by paying :)
• Call all the bridesmaids when it’s time for shopping and fittings - new friends!! Yay. 
• Help address invitations. - will need a trip to Manchester, but i'm up for it!
• Help wrap and tag guest favours/Bombonniere. - guess i'll be spending a lot of time in Manchester!!
• Host a bridal shower or stagette with other bridesmaids. If one of the mom’s is hosting, lend a hand where needed. - as you probably know, i'm down with organising stuff...i'll have to start thinking about what she'd like to do...
• Address and send shower invitations. - they will, most definitely, be totally gorgeous. 
• Take RSVP’s for shower.
• Attend rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. - these will be in Rugby.  And sound lots and lots of fun :)
• Help decorate ceremony and reception locations if necessary. - That sounds like fun!
• Helps the bride get dressed on her wedding day. - she will be the most beautiful ever, i know i'll cry.  
• It’s your duty to make sure the bride’s veil and train looks nice before and during the ceremony. The photographer can’t stop taking pictures during this time and he/she can’t go up on the altar to straighten out the bride…only you can. Guests will expect this from you. - no pressure there then! Eek!
• Holds the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony. - TWO bouquets?! I'd best not drop it...
• Keeps the groom’s wedding ring until the ring exchange, unless the best man or ring bearer are holding them. - oh-my-word...fingers crossed for the best man!!
• Stand in the receiving line (optional). - i can feel the cheek ache already, lol.
• Will sit to the bride’s right at the reception. - flippin amazing privilege again!!
• Signs the marriage certificate as a witness. - wow...i hope it's not a fountain pen...i smudge those...
• Bustles the bride’s train before reception begins. - i think this means poof it a bit...need to check that one out...
• Dance with the best man. - oh-err! I wonder if he's handsome...
• Help the best man bring the gifts to the bride and groom’s home - that'll be so much fun! Setting them out for them for when they return!
• Help with clean up after reception. - will be as if we were never there :)

I'm so excited!! First up Alex and Phil ask me to be their bridesmaid.  I love them both so much - was completely shocked and touched by it, and am loving, LOVING that role in their big day.  I've already been involved in so many of the decisions - is wonderful.  Now i get to be my Jennie's Maid of Honour - i am beyond excited.  And beyond touched.  I feel totally loved.

Maid of Honour

I am honored to have been asked to be my very lovely Jennie-Lady's maid of honour.  

She is a wonderful friend, and i will keep her forever, and she loves me enough to ask me to fill this amazing role in this most exciting of days in her life. 

What a flippin' privilege. 

Right...now i've got to find out what my role is!!!

Friends and park and ice

I feel like saying something...

...but i don't know what.  I know i had things to say earlier.  But my sieve-brain has forgotten them.  

Had a great walk in the park today.  A COLD walk, but a good walk.  A pretty walk.  With two lovely friends of mine.  I love the friendships where you can just be, and not have to talk.  Some STUPID person thought it was a good idea to throw a ball for their dog ONTO the lake...i was so scared - if that dog had gone into the lake, that would have been a big black mark on my weekend...not that a dead Priscilla hadn't already put a dampener on things!

Dan decided on eating in O'Neils in Sutton, i've never been there before, but loved it.  Lots of character, and smiley faces, and yummy food.  Free ad: Eat at O'Neils, tis nice. 

RIP Priscilla

The most beautiful, funny gerbil ever.  She had a good life, right to the end she filled her days with sleeping, eating, chewing, running and digging, and died peacefully in her sleep.  

May she enjoy her cardboard and nut filled tank in the sky :)

This weekend

My last weekend mostly sucked.  

This weekend will be lovely. 

I am looking forward to it :)

Where's the sense...?!

Why, when i'm working 9-2, then 2:30-10:15 tomorrow, do i think it's a good idea to upload my photos, say a few words on here, and then export photos to Facebook? 

And why, after realising the madness of it all, do i come on here again to comment on the craziness?! 

Bed.

Tapas and Cards night

Great friends, great food (and half price!), great fun.  Great night!  Man, i could have stayed there forever.  You know how sometimes, it all just works? It's just 'right'? That was tonight.

  

The first of many. 

I take my earlier 'friends' post, and say it all again.

This picture shows two of said lovelies.  Dan was, as you can see, the poo head.  A lot of times over.  It's just not his game.  

 

Oh, what a lovely evening.

Wierd driving lady

Today, there was a lady in a car.  And she was driving, and did a u turn in a road.  Only stopped so that she was at a 90 degree angle to the way she should be facing.  Across both lanes.  And then she checked her hair in the mirror in quite a care-free manner.  

I checked in the back mirror as i drove away and she didn't move. 

I don't even know if that makes sense, but it was very odd looking.

Em and i started the backdrop for this terms Kids Club...

Friends

I love my friends.  

There are people in my life who make it happy and fun, exciting, interesting, educative (in a fun way!), tasty...so many lovely things.  

There are people in my life who make me feel valued, who make my day, who look out for and are genuinely concerned for me.

There are people who trust me enough to share their fears, hopes, feelings and dreams with. How amazing. What a flippin' privilege.  

They are all wonderful.  

It's amazing how different people can be.  I love the mix of the people i love.  :)

Laughter is so, so important. 

Just a thought about them can bring a smile to my face.

And I can't believe i'm privileged enough to have them want to spend time with me.  

Without these wonderful people being there, who knows where i'd be at.  

Secret burdens are all i know.

Sharing is so much better than secret burdens...but life has taught me to not share.  

Now i'm in a place where i can and should share.  

And it's scary but good.  

Sadly, though i know i can trust, i don't own that trust - i've learnt that even the most trustworthy aren't always.  

And i know it's different here.  

On one level i know it.

It'll take a while to live that difference.  But i want to.

I ate.

I was ill, and then sick.  So i didn't eat.  Felt a bit better.  Ate.  Feel sick again. 

Lesson of the day anyone?

Free photos!

Jessops online are doing a deal where if i join them i can get 90 free photos.  And then pick them up from a local store so i don't have to pay delivery.  

I was thinking only yesterday about how i want more photos in my house.  

This is like a little gift from God, saying 'hey, Amy, i agree, some more photos would be wonderful.  Here you go. Ps i love you.'

I LOVE photos.  

I AM excited. 

Too flippin cold

It is very cold.  

-1 atm apparently, although i'd argue it's colder.  

There's a bit of snow, but i'd cope with the cold much better if there was a lot of snow.  

Cold is ok if there's a lot of snow, or if it's a crisp, clear morning.  

Dark is only ok if it is actually snowing at that moment.  

It is not snowing at this moment, and there is not a lot of snow, so it should be warmer and brighter...or at least brighter.  

Grace

I don't think that ever before has there been an artist who so consistently encapsulates part of me in their lyrics and music.  Phil Wickham does it so beautifully, expressing the weakness and desperation and crapness of humanity, of me, in a way that highlights our/my need for God ever-more.  

He will probably pop up quite a lot on here, but today, as on many other days, 'Grace' is definately the song of the moment.  It expresses a complete desperation for God in the midst of a painful and difficult time...at least for me.  And that's me.

The sky is grey and the light is far, the sea is a rage within my heart.  I turn my sight to the crashing waves, i cry in the night just to be saved.

I need eyes to be my guide, i need a voice that's louder than mine, i need hope, i need You, cause i can't do this alone.

Grace, i call Your name, oh won't Your smile fall over me? I'm cracked and dry, on hands and knees, oh sweet grace rain down on me.  I need You Grace.

I pray for dawn a new day to live, I pray for mercy only Jesus gives.  Though darkness falls and a million cry, i believe over all there's a greater light shining for us. 

Come down and save me.  

I'm all shook up...

It's amazing how you can think that something is completely dealt with, and then find out that it evidently, really isn't.  And words can only just begin to express what that's like.  Humans are so complicated, and i think that i'm one of the more complicated of the bunch - i'm so emotional, and so heart driven, so deep thinking...eesh! 

There are some things, though, that you can't really 'deal with'.  I'm someone that want's to deal with everything - Amy'll fix it stylee.  But sometimes, yeah, there's processing that is useful, but ultimately, you need to admit your weakness and just cry out (or in my case, scream and cry out) to God asking him to take it, to sort it.  But who knows how long that could take.  And in my case, that's already been done a lot a lot of times, and apparently, it's still not dealt with.  I guess there are often, in our complicated-human state, lots of layers...like an onion (thanks Donkey!).  And i guess because i value the tiny things, there're a lot of tiny things i could be holding onto in these multiple layers without realising, causing the shaken up state.  It's interesting how the serious layers can be gone, but there can still be more little layers underneath that are effecting you, even though when you look at it logically, they really shouldn't even be there.  

I always want everything to be ok, but that might not be a realistic goal.  I need such wisdom.  And really need my Restorer and Healer to do his thing in my life.  My faith is small when it comes to God doing something for me.  I believe for other people, not so much for me.  But i know that he and his loving fixing skills are exactly what i need.  I don't know what else i can do but ask him to take it, be in it, restore it, heal it.