England's changing...

Ok, so first up, the whole world's changing.  One man's instruction can lead to a city being destroyed, and there's a continuing alienation between the things we see happening around the world and our own lives - as if murder and war are something we should just accept as part of life.  It's something i'm constantly aware of, that i don't want to ever become numb to the things happening in the world.

But there are different levels of changes, and this recession is bringing one that makes me sad, even though i'm aware that to others, and in light of the issues of the world, it may seem completely trivial.  I saw Woolworths yesterday, closed.  Completely empty, abandoned, isolated, it was horrible.  I went in a couple of times once it was announced that it was closing, as i often did before, and watched it become more and more a shell, and there's something really sad about that.  The atmosphere was so low, defeated, deflated, it was even painful.  So many memories, so many jobs lost, there are so many shops and businesses that are part of our country's heritage, and they're vanishing.  

Woolworths, The Pier, Whittards, Adams, Zavvi, MFI, USC...they're all slowly dying, and i'm scared about how many more shops are going to join them.  Now, i know that they are chains themselves, but, as each of these shops close, i feel like supermarkets like Asda, Tesco and Sainsburys are becoming more and more dominant, and fear that they will slowly take over, to the point where in a few generations time, they'll be all that's left standing.  Even if that won't happen, i think especially in the light of the recession, they will gain more and more control of the market to the detriment of smaller and individual businesses.  

Relationship Thoughts...

I'm looking forward to having a boyfriend.  I'd love to start sharing my life with someone again.  For someone to know everything about me, and to know everything about them.  To know i can call and rely on them, and to be the person they can call and rely on.  Someone to share secrets and laughs and memories and dreams and adventures with.

Thing is, it may never happen.  Married people are quick to say 'don't be silly, of course it'll happen', or words to that effect, but the fact of the matter is...it may not.  I'll never feel happy with that, but i think i am in a place where it would be okish.  Hopefully it'll never come to that. 

Saying all that...i'm really aware of how guarded and hesitant i am towards having a new relationship in my life, even though it is probably the thing i'd like most at the same time.   My last break up hurt me more than anything else ever.  There are so many thoughts and lessons and reflections that i've drawn from that relationship, and i don't know if that's good or bad.  Probably mixed, lol.  

The long and short of it is that i'm a heart person, not a head person.  And so i'm scared of finding myself in the same position again.  I need to use my head a bit more.  I won't be searching for a relationship.  I need to see that a guy really wants to be with me, and isn't just attracted to me, or to the idea of a relationship.

Thing with that is, generally Christian boys are really reserved and non-engaging with things like that (and the ones who are super eager are the ones you generally need to avoid!!), so how a reserved girl is ever going to get a reserved guy is beyond me. 

Some people i've spoken to seem to be scared of not finding 'the one', as if God has appointed one special person for them, and that without that one person they will be alone forever.  

That's not really my theology.  You see, i think he knows who we will end up with, because he knows everything (omniscience).  I think if we love him and listen to him then he'll guide us to someone he's really chuffed with.   

I believe his perfect will doesn't always happen.  We as humans have choice; free will, and as a result the balance of things are all off.  He works all situations to good for those who love him.  So i think he will work in people's lives to bring about the best situation...but i don't believe that there's 'the one', so i'm not waiting for him ;)

So, yeah.  I'd love to begin a relationship, but am in no way about to rush into one, push for one, or hunt one down.  Is a strange thought to think that at some point i may be in a relationship again!  An exciting thought too.

Anyway, these babbling thoughts are going on for far too long - i do have a skill in using a lot of words and thinking in lots of different directions!  I type like i talk. 

Medicine Measurements...

...do they take into consideration, when they tell you how much to take, that there's going to be some left in the little cup thing? 

My night time corvonia, which is going to my head as i type, is to be taken in 15ml doses (I often just take a swig, but don't want to take too much cause the drowsiness can be carried on to the next day - i figured the more i take, the more likely that is to happen).  

I reckon that around 3ml is left on the cup-y-thing...that's 1/5 of the dose!  So either they take it into consideration, or i should take an extra bit to make up for it, surely?  Or maybe i should just use the spoons instead...they're just more effort and less accurate i reckon.

Just a thought...in my now much more dozy state :)

I think that maybe i think too much. 

Crazy Shopping People!

I've been thinking about these sales.  I wanted to go out today, but didn't because of the crazy people who buy everything and make it all busy.  It's insane watching them all cram into shops and run and push to get to the bargains - as if life depended on it!  Now, i LOVE a bargain, i really do, but i just think it goes a bit too far really.  

My poor friend Hannah went out at 8am to catch the sales, and left around 11:30 having bought nothing - she said she was waiting to get into River Island with 200 other people!! Outside of ONE SHOP!!!  And apparently the queues were the longest she'd ever seen.  I think it'd just stress me out and get me all tense, and i'd end up wanting to punch someone.  

What i can't get over is that these shops are selling things at 70% off...surely they're still making a profit from it...so why do they price everything so ridiculously high?!  I mean, even if they sold things at a 25% cut, they'd still make money, and we'd not have to save up so much before treating ourselves to a new pair of shoes or a new bag or whatever (which are both things i need btw!).  

I predict with the difficult financial times (not the newspaper btw) there'll be a lot of sales in 2009, so i'll not be rushing and pushing with the masses!

Aww....Christmas :)

So, yeah, dad's at work, but still, today's been lovely :)

Got up at eight, managed to get the men up by half eight (Josh was NOT impressed - i used water AND stole his quilt!), came downstairs (for the first time ever - we usually go into the rent's room and open presents there...lazy things!), shared our presents, and i just feel so spoilt!! Have opened family gifts and my ones from Sarah - lovely lovely.  

Because dad's at work we had turkey, pickles and chunky chips today, and are going to have the proper meal tomorrow - mmmm.  Was lovely, not rushed (last year was - trying to get the meal done and eaten before dad had to get to work), and seriously the juiciest turkey i've ever eaten!  

Went over to see nan and her man friend, and her sister and her man friend were there too - which was also lovely.  It's just all felt really relaxed and chilled.

I've not finished opening my gifts - is a Kirby tradition to drag out your gifts into the next few days, when i was a kid i used to still have gifts to open when i was back at school!!!

Josh was out last night, so he's now sleeping in front of the Strictly Come Dancing Special, mum's sitting with me, and i'm thinking about the brie in the fridge... :)

Christmas, what a wonderful reason to come together, treat each other and share the love :) happy birthday Jesus!

Things i love

So, i reckon i'm really well off.  It's easy to feel down, but there are loads of things that make me smile and happy, so i decided to list some.  That way, i've not got any excuse to be sad!

• Mornings in my house when Dean and i have nothing to rush off to
  
• White Hot Chocolate (thank you Sarah!)
• Time alone with the sea
• Getting to my parents and having a big hug from my dad
  
• Having nice, painted nails
• People watching
• Seeing my mom lots and never feeling like i don't have enough space
  
• Days off
• Seeing the stars
• Eating out
• My wonderful friends
• Walks in the park
• Pick n Mix and other sweets from the past
• Photos
• Duvet, film and ice cream nights
• Giving people gifts
  
• My gorgeous bed, especially when the sheets are fresh
• Waking up without an alarm
• Proper snow
• Being able to drive to wherever i want to go (within obvious reason)
• My lovely car
• When my brother is himself and therefore wonderfully entertaining, fun and engaging
• Frostings Cupcakes
• Getting random texts/hello phone calls/cards
• My ever-fattening gerbil and her cuteness
• Being privileged to be a part of the lives of my friend's children
• Exciting possibilities
• Being chosen to be a bridesmaid by two wonderful friends
• Getting into Charring Cross and stepping out of the station - 'I've arrived'
• Snuggling up in warm clothes
• Hugs that mean something

...but not in any particular order :)

I have a lot of lovely things in my life.  It's so easy to forget. 

Last night...

...was fun.  It was our work Christmas meal; the UDB staff family and the husbands/wives of those who have them.  We had a personal chef and waitress.  We had a lot of laughs.  We made cocktails.  

And then Dean and i went home.  

The night had put us in quite a giggly mood, and so i was struggling with putting the cocktail stuff back on the top shelf...and a bottle of coke fell and smashed two glasses.  What's funny about that?! Well, we giggled a lot...kinda stuck in a spot until i realised the coke bottle had been pierced by some glass - which apparently is hillarious!  We tidied up and got over it.

Then i took Corvonia Night Time for my cough...and very quickly got very drowsy...haha.  I think a combination of the giggles and the drowsyness meant that Dean got quite a lot of entertainment for about 15mins before i finally managed to get to bed.  I even started to slur my words...and found the wall a very useful leaning post for my head.  

This morning my head felt attached to the pillow.  Actually attached.  That's some good night time medicine!!

Coughs and Decisions

I have a cough.  And last night i kept on waking up because of it and so i don't want to go to bed tonight.  Boo hisss.  Flippin Dan spreading his family germs!! ;)

Today and tomorrow are our team days at UDB - a time to reflect on what has happened and think about where we're at, then plan/discuss/express where we want to be in 2009.  I always really struggle with sharing 'me' things - i just don't seem to be as self aware as most of the team, which is fine, because i'm happy to learn about myself as i go along, but it just means that i need prodding to get to a place of complete reflection.  

This time is particularly challenging - talking about our vision for our job and what it is that we see ourselves doing, and how we are to take risks in the future.  For me this includes the fact that i really need to be doing more hours there.  I'd love to be full time at UDB - to be able to give everything into it and to have all the week to shape around meeting the needs of the young people and children in the area.  BUT that's also quite an easy thing to say - i've been there for over three years, it's comfortable.  It's also the obvious thing to say.  And probably the 'most Christian' thing to say - to spend all my time working for the Christian Organisation. 

We were talking (or people were talking and i was listening) about employment vs volunteering vs having the faith for personal support to come through, and that's a tough one to think through.  We're a charity - we don't have the money to just 'up' people's work hours.  I don't like the 'you raise a certain amount of your wage' approach - i think it's too individualistic.  It doesn't express community or unity or anything remotely team-esque.  But anyway, again, i don't want to do the obvious thing - i want to do the right thing.  And i don't have a clue what that is.  Not sure if i will though.  Maybe i'm just making a bigger thing of it than i need to.  Well, will be talking about it tomorrow at day two of the team days :)

Playlists

I've just discovered youtube playlists...love it!  Is like having a cd of ALL the Christmas songs EVER!!  I will definitely be using this a lot.  :)

Christmas time :)

Christmas shopping is over :) i did it all, and it is all good.  I now feel christmassy!  Yay.  I'm not really looking forward to Christmas though.  Is an odd one.  It used to be something huge, obviously, when i was a kid, but now it's not really at all.  And Dad's working on Christmas day...i end up finding myself trying to not be excited because i don't want to be disappointed.  But then the purpose of it all is just to celebrate the amazingness of Jesus coming to earth for us, and that should be the focus of it all.  So maybe i should stop thinking about excitement and spend more time thinking about God's love and gift.  I went to a church service tonight that was Christmassy and it really reminded me of how it's easy for me to get caught up in the excitement and forget about truely enjoying it's purpose.  If that makes any sense...?!

Cheeky car and other thoughts

So, my car sooo has a personality! A cheeky one at that.  It likes to trick me when it comes to the petrol amounts...for example today i watched it go up a sixth of a tank!  Cheeky cheeky.  And other days it'll be low, i'll park, and then when i start up again it'll be higher...or the other way around! Dear-y me, keeps me on my toes!  I drove my driving instructor today - eek! I was like 'hello...' and he was like 'lets see what bad habits you've picked up...' - he's great :)

Other news/thoughts is/are:

• I wish i could switch off feelings/emotions - would be especially wonderful if i could pick which ones
  
• I need an extra brain - a few brain cells better, to figure out what the flip i should be thinking
  
• I keep on being half aware of my insecurity/insecurities, but that awareness is just feeling the result of them, not the useful half of how to confront and get rid of it/them...because it/they can make me feel so very pants
  
• People often do what they think is the right/good thing, but they only see it from their perspective, not from those who will be impacted by said decision.  I watch stuff happen that i know the person who it's for wouldn't want - and am powerless to do something to make it better for them.  There's a need for some sort of empathic understanding of other people in the world. 
• If past experiences and the experience of friends tell you that you shouldn't trust someone, and they come back into your life and are gonna be staying there, as well as in the lives of others...what should you do?
• How do you know if God wants you to do something? How do you know it's not just you convincing yourself it's what He want's you to do?
• Will i get all my christmas shopping done in time?!
• I really need a break.

So there you go.  There are other thoughts, but i either can't make them cryptic enough to put on here, or am too tired to do any more.  

I do talk too much when i get going - what a ridiculously long post!!

Spotty dancer

I am so very fed up of spots.  I'm just feeling my most horriblest for so very long.  I wish that i could be the sort of person that didn't really care about things like that, but i'm not.  Even better, i wish i could be the sort of person that didn't have spots!! Really though.  Saying all that, it's so easy to fall into a place of feeling sorry for myself, and i don't want to be that person!

Am catching up with X Factor atm, and just have to say that i love the dancing.  I so want to dance.  I love it, and to perform as a dancer would be so wonderful!! Is one of my dreams, one of those 'if i lived a different life, i'd love to be that person' things.  If i could mix that in with singing...whoop!  I just feel like i come alive when i'm dancing in a way nothing else can really bring me to.   

So there you go.  Two random points for the day.  

London

I love London.  I love Birmingham - really i do.  But the thing is, i get the same feeling when i arrive in London as i do when i get to Birmingham.  That comforting sort-of 'i'm home' sensation.  Although if i'm honest it's a lot easier to feel uncomfortable in London than in Birmingham.  Guess that goes without saying though - Birmingham is home, and where i spend most of my life, and i only see my Londoner friends once every couple of months. :)

 

I've just been on the Thames for a friend Rich's Pirate 40th Birthday Party, and London is so lovely.  Beautiful.  All the buildings! By the lovely Thames.  And then i walked through Greenwich, and that was equally beautiful.  The South Eastern Accent (provided it's not teenage girls we're talking about) is kind-of soothing.  It's all lovely.  And i love it.  I think Birmingham and London should be next to each other.  

I'd happily be classed as a southerner if it meant my two favorite places could be together.  

Bad dream

It's 3am, and I've just had one.  

My worst fear, and it just became real in my dream.  

I'm crying so much, but silently because i don't want to wake anyone in this lovely family that i'm staying with.

  

It's times like these that i hate not being with someone so so much:  

I don't have anyone to comfort me when I'm really sad.  

I'm alone.  

And atm, i'm in real need of a man hug.  

But i won't get one.  

Because i don't have a man.  

And worse, so much worse, i can't shake this dream.  

Because this dream is the reason i'm crying and upset and in need of comfort.    

Oh, how i want the morning to come.  

I drove to London!

Ok, so i reckon, when you take into consideration the short amount of time i've been driving (got my license just over 5 months ago), i've actually done quite a bit of long distance driving.  But coming to London, more specifically SE London (i've already driven to North London) is a really big thing for me.  I've been visiting here for over three years, and lived here for a year before that.

You have no idea how nice it was to be in control of my getting here - not needing to lug my stuff around, time myself with multiple bits of public transport...i loved it.  I'm so used to having to cut conversations short because i've got to catch a train/bus, how early i used to have to get up to get here for midday, i'd wake up and ask myself if it was worth it...although really there should be no question.

I promised myself that when i could drive, i'd come down here in a car.  And now i have.  And only used a quarter of the tank...which is making me think it could be financially viable to make it more frequent!!

I love the space i get in my car.  It's MY car.  And i'm in control.  And there's no-one else in there, for, well, today it was 3 hours.  I was my own person, completely on my own, and that felt wonderful.  I love people, and couldn't handle too long like that, but it just felt so great to know that it was just me and my car for the next few hours.  I could sing, talk to myself, to God, shout, whatever.  Liberating.  Reviving.  Independence.  Love it. 

Hair Cut

I like hair.  My hair may just be my favorite part of me, physically that is.  And not because i've got an amazing hair cut - i've got a boring style. It has only just (literally) been cut, and i can still say that it's boring.  But i love what my hair does to my appearance, what other people's hair does to their appearance.  It just frames/hides/feminises and means that i can actually look in the mirror and smile.

Still, i've not had it cut for months and months.  Sometimes i wonder if i'm the laziest person i know.  Now however, it is cut.  And that's good.  But still boring.  But better.  

Did you know hairdressers hands hurt and get red and cracked? I felt quite guilty - my hairdresser today Sarah (i think names are very important, part of respect for someone's identity, and i want to use them whenenver possible - so that theres less chance of me ever seeing someone purely as a means to an end) said she couldn't even feel her hands!  Imagine that as part of your job!  And i was her first customer.  Poor Sarah. 

Morning Sky

Every Wednesday the community of Christians i am a part of spend the whole day (24hrs) in prayer and fasting, and we get together at 6pm for community dinner to break the fast, for social time, and then go into some prayer and worship.  Is like a big, weekly family get together.  I love it.  

My prayer slot is 6-7:30am.  It means i get up at 5:30, and in these winter months it's dark as.  I love being in the prayer room and being able to see the night begin to turn into day.  It's such a slow process that it's not done by the time i leave, think sunrise is around 8 in the winter, but there's such a gorgeous colour change.  

At the start, it's unmistakably black, but then it turns into a dark blue, and then goes through teal and turquoise colours, and sooo many in between.  Stunning.  I'm amazed at how ALL these colours are in the sky.  There's just something about the sky that's awesome.  Awesome's a word i only really use in reference to God...i think we use words too freely without thinking about their meaning, and awe is something i connect with God.  

But i reckon the sky's amazing awesomeness is a tiny expression of God's awesomeness.  And that's pretty darn awesome :) 

The thing with blogs...

...is that you need to be able to access a computer when you want to leave one.  

There have been so many times when i've wanted to say something about...well, who knows what now, but i've not had my trusty macbook near to do so, and those thoughts are now lost forever.  I love being able to express myself, and capture moments, feelings, thoughts - i think that's why i like taking photos so much, and why i seem determined to make this blogging thing work.  But so far, it's really not, to be honest, has it? Sad day indeed.  

I've been reading David Ryan Adams' blog recently thanks to Sarah and her obsession with his loveliness - he updates it multiple times a day - as in five entries - quite long entries, and twenty something photos yesterday!  I think he must have one of those 'i do everything' phones, or man phones, as i've come to know them thanks to Andy and Sam :) i guess as a super star he could be walking around with a laptop though...but that does seem a bit extra.  

Maybe if i get a man phone with internet access and photo taking capabilities, and if i can get that internet access for free, then maybe my blogging would become more like David Ryan Adams.  

Although it will never be as poetic.